Happy horizon

Just some jumbly happy thoughts I wanted to get down about life right now:

I just have today and Friday and then First Term is done! I will miss a bunch of gems from this Term. So many cool, focused students, but sayonara to the schedule! Adios!

The ankle is doing pretty great and when I wake up aching aching at 5AM I have the sweetest, fastest, most understanding caretaker sleeping right by my side to fetch 800mgs of Ibuprofen, water, a piece of bread- whatever. His good nature and concern hasn't worn off yet. Good man.

My kids have been impressing me like crazy with all this ankle business. The day that it all happened, I was laying on my bed with little pathetic tears rolling down my face— willing two hours to go by faster until I could get myself to the doctors— and Ambrose took care of me and Asher like he was 15 or something. Maybe even more considerately than a 15-year-old would. Wow. The boys can come through in a pinch. Now we know.

We've got some cool, creative goals going on around here that have me inspired to read more, be patient, practice, train my eye, and give.

I am also loving my daily dose of Asher time now that Ambrose has preschool every week day from 7:45-11:30. It's fun to focus on Asher. We went to help at Ambrose's school last week and I kept feeling rushes of good, warm feelings that he is in the right place and growing and thriving. Having Ambrose in school has looped us into the endless wheel of school now. The kids will never be the same from here on out. Our days and nights seem shorter, which could be sad and busy, but it feels like we have even more purpose and direction. I always plan to be very involved in my kid's education so I will be back to help in the classroom again and again.

I read this article that I can't find at the moment, about the Internet making it too possible for everyone to make their lives look so fantastic all the time- thus causing an "I'm missing out" fear amongst everyone who is not involved in exactly what is being posted. This was interesting to me and I felt like it was true. I rarely check Facebook anyway, because it seems highly artificial to me. People posting how great they are, their life is, what they are doing is the most fun...etc. all to accomplish what goal? We don't create scrapbooks from our Facebook posts so it's not like it's for posterity's sake. It's like one, big brag book being sent into the universe so that everyone else can instantly "Like" whatever fleeting whim their "friends" are projecting about themselves at the moment. Haha, now I am just sounding like the article too! I do think Facebook is great at getting the word out on events or general announcements and is a good way to find long, lost relatives or friends, but that's about it for me. The "happy horizon" on this is that I just check Facebook if someone sends me something on there now. In that way Facebook is a good thing for me and not a time-waster or something that makes me feel like I'm missing out or comparing myself to anyone else. If I think about all the hours I have wasted scrolling down my Facebook status updates when I could have been playing with my kids or reading or doing ANYTHING else it makes me a little sad. Reading about the oatmeal someone just ate, the cryptic emotional updates people are dying for follow-up questions on, etc.... sure hasn't gotten me anywhere. Just my personal preference. Rant done. :)

Jumbly post done too. I think this will be funny to read in years to come. My kids will be like "Facebook"? as they read this on the laser screens projected from their eyeballs, "What's a book?"

Ok, bye.

I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

Ambrose brought this home from school today.

It says: "This is my mom resting in bed with her cast on her broken foot."

Hilarious!

I didn't break my foot and I don't have a cast, but I did sprain my ankle on the bike path yesterday and I didn't realize it until hours later. I'm all wrapped up in one of those lovely ace bandages. Ambrose finds the whole thing very impressive and amusing. Last night he poked his delighted face into my bedroom twice and beamed, "Mama, how are you liking laying around and doing nothing?"

How embarrassing.

My regular physician sent me to the ER since I couldn't bare weight on my foot long enough to drive to her office in Haleiwa where she doesn't have an X-ray machine anyway- the ER by my house does. The ER doc was someone I have never seen before and he was condescending, rude, impatient and any other words I can think of to describe him are just not lady-like so call me if you want to hear them and I'll be happy to vent.

I came home feeling dumb, but relieved that I would only have to put my foot up for about three days instead of having to lug around a cast for a few weeks.

I think the universe is trying to tell me something though because on Friday I was cutting lettuce to portion out into ziplocs when tragedy struck... or sliced rather. I was trying to do this. Instead of expertly chopping those greens, I foolishly sliced my thumb... almost clear off. Thomas is always befuddled by my lack of knife skills. We can't all be eagle scouts I guess.... or just smart with cutlery.

Anyway, I called a friend from campus on Monday before I headed to the ER to get her help in arranging something for my classes that day and after detailing all my klutziness in regards to the jogging and the salad we were both in near tears laughing as I lamented, "Do you think the universe is trying to tell me something?"

"Yes!" she said, "Stop running and slicing vegetables and go back to eating chocolate and watching TV!"

Deal.

But what we've really been up to

is lotsa fun stuff. I know I have it good with these three guys.

The martyr complex

When I am stressed I am homesick.

Thomas pointed this out to me one day when I was saying maybe it's about time we packed up and moved on outta here like he's always been saying we would one day.

He said he gets nostalgic when he is stressed and he starts wishing for simpler times like when we were dating or back in the day with all his buddies he grew up with.

It's only natural to wish for something you've preserved in your mind (and maybe even candy-coated over time) when things aren't exactly ideal in the real world you must inhabit.

When something or someone annoys me I start researching social work jobs on the mainland.

When I am buried in a pile of papers to grade I check prices on flights to my sisters.

When I am overwhelmed by the mess or mundane of everyday life I call my parents and either whine a lot or over-sell how great we are doing and they always patiently hear me out and offer advice or applaud.... whatever the situation calls for.

I was discussing this with my brilliant pal Emily on the bike path the other day and she laughed because it seemed so familiar to her. She said, it's the classic "martyr complex" all of us mainland transplants have.

We know we live in one of the most absolutely amazing places on earth but the lure of cheaper housing, food, EVERYTHING is almost too much to bare. Add in the fact that we all miss our families and mainland friends so much we die a little inside each time we call home and happen to hear everyone gathered around enjoying each others company..... without us!

My parent's California phone number on my cell phone is still set as: HOME.

BUT WE HAVE THE BEACH!!!!!!!! And lots of it. Is the beach really worth it? I was starting to think: NO.

And then last Saturday, I was enjoying a wonderful anniversary with Thomas after a week where my martyr complex was thick and fierce and hanging around my family like a threatening storm. We went to a really cool movie, but before the really cool movie there was a preview for a George Clooney movie set in Hawaii. I cannot begin to tell you what the movie was all about but Thomas and I sat motionless for at least 3 minutes while it played out in beautiful scenes of Oahu. Even the neighborhood's colors it was set in made my heart ache a little and Thomas would excitedly whisper to me, "OH! That's totally the Pali!" etc. etc. and I missed Hawaii.

More than I have ever missed cheaper housing or food or anything I missed Hawaii.

I don't know how we will ever leave.

Thomas says someday we will.

I think I know where my roots are planted even if they feel a little foreign sometimes. No matter what we are together, we are here, so I guess we are home.

If I can't post something nice maybe I shouldn't post at all.

This post goes out to my sisters who asked for it. I guess I just can't blog if I am not going to blog regularly.... like my mind can only make room for it if I am going to do it for real. I can't just kind of do it. I think this applies to eating healthy and exercising for me as well. I either have to commit to it.... or really really not do it and oh man...sometimes I really really don't do it.

But this Term of teaching has been one big experiment in forcing myself to do what I can even if I can't be the best I can be at anything right now. Does that make sense? I kind of hate it.

Poor Thomas puts up with the pieces he gets of me as best as he can and works with it. He makes up for everything I lack. He likes my job and he likes his quality time with the kids and I used to like it all so we carry on. I will like it again in the Fall when everything is back to normal and teaching is my brief hobby that I get to enjoy a few hours a week instead of the drudgery it is now.

I am well aware that many Moms work many more hours than I do and find peace and fulfillment in that arrangement. I am also well aware that I completely lack the emotional and mental energy to carry on like this much longer. I crave days with my kids that don't involve hovering around an abrupt ending where I have to immediately shift gears, shower and get presentable, stand in front of people for hours upon hours and entertain them into loving things which make them uncomfortable. It never used to feel this way, but this Term does and I can't get my bearings.

This is certainly not the post my sisters were waiting for! hahahaha

But this is honestly how I am feeling lately, and so let's document it. Why not.

I am sure I am not the only one who has ever felt this tug and pull as a mother. It's not like my life is terrible and I am grateful every day for the good things as well. We are all healthy, we love each other, we are able to support our family and life is good overall.

This is just a time to get through and learn from. I never want to be too busy for my children and I want to have all the energy I need to raise them right. I am sad that I can't do it all and in awe of those who do! I look forward to the Fall when things go back to normal and I am the mother my kids know and love again.

Nah, I change my mind.

Choose to live by faith and not fear.

Hi, I missed you. I had some free time on this blustery Saturday night and so HELLO FRIENDS! Here's what my iPhone says we've been up to:








Spending as much time as possible with my boys, sneaking in a date night or a temple trip when we can, teaching and working furiously in my office, seeing our favorite musical legend in concert, Asher adjusting to his big boy bed and just being together...sounds about right. Oh and Ambrose started preschool! More about that later. Life is good, but will be much better come September 2nd. See you then.