09 February 2011
Use your words
In life, there seems to be two categories: those who sleep and those who cannot. I'm writing this from the latter category- my eyes droopily wide awake and my blood pumping with more ferocity than it seems capable of in normal waking hours. Unwinding flashes of thought weave intricate patterns of perplexity until *snap!* my mind is racing down a never-ending spiral of unorganized hopes, plans, anxieties and occasional flashes of brilliance!
The insignificant grain of me that's sensible hollers, "stop!" and "be still!" like a beach towel flapping sand in your eyes with the breeze- most unwanted.
I can never write so well, scheme so thoroughly, and aggrandize so horrendously as when I'm awake while all others sleep. Alone, unfettered by sippy cup refills and tantrums to appease, like distant memories of the mere hours separating bedtime from now, I'm left in a cloak of reflective solitude to waste away as I please: a silly novel, a clickity Internet stalk, or perhaps just hours of un-infiltrated creative pursuits. All that echoes is stillness ringing through my ears and the benevolent roar of the ocean just a window away always keeping a reassuring vigil.
My heart pounds for the little ones, thick breath in their room, dreaming together with mouths relaxed open and deep baby sighs. Then arms reach for my constant one. He sleeps so easily, drifts off without a care and exhales steadily as if to show the way. I watch him enviously, curl up to his relaxed shape, hoping his peace is contagious.
My eyes never see so well as when they should be closed. Everything seems more rich and genuine. No harsh rays distort or blind. It's no good! I must sleep! My mind reels with early morning responsibilities, chirpy little voices and adventures to be had. I must bid the night farewell. And so I chide myself, "relax," and I breath slowly, and let go, and turn off the hopes, plans, anxieties, and snuff those flashes of brilliance... for now... and drift, drift, drift away into a harbor of slow breath and soft pulse until I sink down like an anchor into an ocean so deep.