This post goes out to my sisters who asked for it. I guess I just can't blog if I am not going to blog regularly.... like my mind can only make room for it if I am going to do it for real. I can't just kind of do it. I think this applies to eating healthy and exercising for me as well. I either have to commit to it.... or really really not do it and oh man...sometimes I really really don't do it.
But this Term of teaching has been one big experiment in forcing myself to do what I can even if I can't be the best I can be at anything right now. Does that make sense? I kind of hate it.
Poor Thomas puts up with the pieces he gets of me as best as he can and works with it. He makes up for everything I lack. He likes my job and he likes his quality time with the kids and I used to like it all so we carry on. I will like it again in the Fall when everything is back to normal and teaching is my brief hobby that I get to enjoy a few hours a week instead of the drudgery it is now.
I am well aware that many Moms work many more hours than I do and find peace and fulfillment in that arrangement. I am also well aware that I completely lack the emotional and mental energy to carry on like this much longer. I crave days with my kids that don't involve hovering around an abrupt ending where I have to immediately shift gears, shower and get presentable, stand in front of people for hours upon hours and entertain them into loving things which make them uncomfortable. It never used to feel this way, but this Term does and I can't get my bearings.
This is certainly not the post my sisters were waiting for! hahahaha
But this is honestly how I am feeling lately, and so let's document it. Why not.
I am sure I am not the only one who has ever felt this tug and pull as a mother. It's not like my life is terrible and I am grateful every day for the good things as well. We are all healthy, we love each other, we are able to support our family and life is good overall.
This is just a time to get through and learn from. I never want to be too busy for my children and I want to have all the energy I need to raise them right. I am sad that I can't do it all and in awe of those who do! I look forward to the Fall when things go back to normal and I am the mother my kids know and love again.