19 August 2011

If I can't post something nice maybe I shouldn't post at all.

This post goes out to my sisters who asked for it. I guess I just can't blog if I am not going to blog regularly.... like my mind can only make room for it if I am going to do it for real. I can't just kind of do it. I think this applies to eating healthy and exercising for me as well. I either have to commit to it.... or really really not do it and oh man...sometimes I really really don't do it.

But this Term of teaching has been one big experiment in forcing myself to do what I can even if I can't be the best I can be at anything right now. Does that make sense? I kind of hate it.

Poor Thomas puts up with the pieces he gets of me as best as he can and works with it. He makes up for everything I lack. He likes my job and he likes his quality time with the kids and I used to like it all so we carry on. I will like it again in the Fall when everything is back to normal and teaching is my brief hobby that I get to enjoy a few hours a week instead of the drudgery it is now.
I am well aware that many Moms work many more hours than I do and find peace and fulfillment in that arrangement. I am also well aware that I completely lack the emotional and mental energy to carry on like this much longer. I crave days with my kids that don't involve hovering around an abrupt ending where I have to immediately shift gears, shower and get presentable, stand in front of people for hours upon hours and entertain them into loving things which make them uncomfortable. It never used to feel this way, but this Term does and I can't get my bearings.

This is certainly not the post my sisters were waiting for! hahahaha

But this is honestly how I am feeling lately, and so let's document it. Why not.

I am sure I am not the only one who has ever felt this tug and pull as a mother. It's not like my life is terrible and I am grateful every day for the good things as well. We are all healthy, we love each other, we are able to support our family and life is good overall.

This is just a time to get through and learn from. I never want to be too busy for my children and I want to have all the energy I need to raise them right. I am sad that I can't do it all and in awe of those who do! I look forward to the Fall when things go back to normal and I am the mother my kids know and love again.


Meg said...

I hear you... being a working mom is hard. I do think though that it makes the moments that you do have with your family so so wonderful. Hang in there!

Susan said...

Thanks for sharing, and thanks for being so honest! Hang in there... two more weeks, right??

Sheila... said...

yes, hang in there. It's not for long.
You have a good heart, that wants to be with your kids. But a talent that needs to be shared with others (sobeit in the classroom)... even if its the class from hell.
all I know is, I'm also glad when this semester is over so you can come shake it with me again at Hot Hula! hahha.

ps- how did you like the book
'The Help'?

pps i like reading your labels.

liko said...

amen, girl!
i think once we've had a taste of stay-at-home motherhood, it's hard to adjust to anything different -- no matter how many (or few) hours that may be away from our children.
i am still trying to balance - work, callings, motherhood, dinner, homework, etc...and i don't want to jip my kids.
they deserve the best of me.
but that's where sacrifice comes in - i rarely see you friends anymore due to too much time away from home, family, kids, husband...you know. but once in a while i can make it work and i savor those moments so much because they are so few and far between.
love and miss you.

ashley said...

i think, if anything, i have learned that you cant be amazing at everything all the time. or even be amazing at most things some of the time. sometime you have to just do what you have to do to get by. just make sure that snorkel is above water cause you are pushed down below. does that make sense? sound like thomas is a great snorkel. keep treading water my friend, your amazing.

Diana said...

i can't tell you how many times i have admired your integrity and work ethic. you are a million bucks and more. i hurt for you though, for how hard it is, for the little things you miss, for the constant distraction it is to be filling two roles at once and hard it is to be present when necessary at either one. love you.

Mariko said...

Ha ha. Like the label.

I think it's good to go through these periods of, "Oh. I don't like that. Good thing it's not really like this."
And then you can get back to your real life.

Like, for example, going for fro yo some random afternoon.
How the heck are you getting homework done with this schedule, anyway?

laurel said...

Awe Stephanie! I want to give you a big giant hug, not because I feel bad, but because you are great and I love to hear you step into where you are now, be real with it, know that it is temporary, know that you are doing the best you can do, know that it's ok to admit if things are hard, know that you have such a wonderful and loving family. Thank you for this beautiful piece of genuine you. I'm glad for all that you share. Nothing can change the fact that your boys are incredible and they know you love them.