09 January 2010

sad and sweet

This has been a heavy week. I have felt so much sadness for my friend and her family with the passing of their sweet baby. If there has been any silver lining in the gloom that accompanies such a tragedy- it is the hope they have radiated, the knowledge that they will be together as a family forever, the love we have all felt for them and for each other and the wake up call it has been for me in my own life. I have been sleep walking for over a month. I have not been happy. Sometimes it was hard to even think of something to post because I feel like I am supposed to be a positive person and I felt anything but. I couldn't even pin down the reason for all the gloom.

One night I laid in bed telling Thomas I was sorry that I wasn't ever happy anymore and while he helpfully suggested maybe it was just hormones (Ha. Thanks honey. Women love to hear that.) I told him I didn't know. It could have been the sloooow progress or lack of progress sometimes on the apartment, the broken van (fixed now), the broken shower (almost fixed now), teething cranky Asher, "assertive" toddlery Ambrose, the cold I had all week...etc. Probably a combination of it all mixed with something more I just couldn't put my finger on. I still don't know. It doesn't matter. We are blessed and life is so good. All of that is temporary and not that bad. Not at all.

This week has taught me that. This week has lifted my face and reminded me to take notice of all that is sweet in my life and there is so much sweetness it is overwhelming.

There is a sadness amongst our friends and in our hearts right now; but the sweetness of our lives: our families, our testimonies of the plan of salvation and life's everyday blessings are sustaining.

15 comments:

melissa marie said...

looks like we posted at about the same time tonight. i've been feeling pretty awful lately, too, but i don't even usually post about my feelings, so my blog hasn't changed much. ha. that's one thing i like about yours, actually. like you, i need to remember how supremely blessed i am and to let the disappointments go, since they totally don't even matter.

your boys are so adorable. i just want to hug them. and you.

goodnight friend!

liko said...

i enjoyed this post, steph. i was unaware of the fast that you have been down as of late. i haven't seen you for a while. maybe if i was a better friend, we could've come around to play with your boys more. sorry. i hope that things start getting brighter for you. love you.

liko said...

*fact

Mariko said...

Lately I have been wondering if I will ever ever ever feel like a normal person again. I also often find myself apologizing for being mopey and whiney for little reason. I can tell that it wears on my spouse almost as much as me. :)
But I think that sadness is part of us. It does give inspiration in its own way as well.
I guess I'm saying I hope you feel better soon and you will. If it's any consolation.

echo said...

we all go through our times of gloom and sadness. and sometimes it is hard to remember that it is all for our own good. these trials help us to be better, more understanding, more loving to ourselves and to those around us.
this experience with natalie has reaffirmed to me how grateful i am to know of the plan of happiness. that we can be together again.
it truly is a plan of happiness. we are here on this earth to 'have joy' but we cannot fully know of joy til we know sorrow. we can't know sweet without the bitter.
i think we all got a good taste of bitter last week and now it is time for us to find joy and rejoice in or blessings.

KristenE. said...

I've been hearing about this friend of your's and my heart is so full of love for her. My heart breaks thinking of all the healing she will have to go through and the pain that will never really go away, but only dull over time. It is such a hard, hard thing to have to deal with the loss of a child and...uh...im crying as i write this. Even though this is going to be the hardest thing that she will go through, there is peace in knwoing that she will be with him forever. That is the beauty of the plan of salvation-- one day she will be able to raise him! I love our church and am so grateful to have that opportunity to be with my little one and other ones that i have lost for this short period of time. I love you so much Stephanie! I know i dont show that and hang out with you as much as I should, but please let me know if there is anything I can help you with.

Kim and the Fam said...

I went through similar feelings a few months ago. No matter how hard I tried to be happy I just wasn't. And then some good friends lost thier baby (it seems to be happening alot lately) and it ROCKED MY WOLRD. It totally changed my outlook on life. And now Natalie's... It's amazing how other peoples trials and sorrows (and their amazing ways of coping) can help us in our own lives. Let me know if there is anyway I can help out.

Melissa said...

hi friend!

I am sorry that you feel blue lately. I know how you feel, I've been there too, recently (we all have those times).

You know life is full of ups and downs, and sometimes we feel bliss and sometimes we feel sorrow. It's hard to be going through a low, but it's okay, we all have those times when we aren't feeling maybe as good as we think we should be.

I think we can gain strength from each other and learn from each other. The best remedy is our loving Heavenly Father, our family, our friends and being grateful for the blessings we have.

That is what helped me a couple months back when I felt like I was really struggling.

Anyways I really just want you to know that you are amazing, and you always seem to have it all together and you do it all with a smile on your face and a cheerful heart.
You are always a good example to me and someone that I look up to and love dearly.

boo face mcjones said...

the great news is that you really don't have to apologize for going through these stages. and you certainly don't have to fake otherwise. we all know you are wonderful and upbeat.

i always have to tell myself that recognizing my blessings (particularly the big ones of the plan of salvation and my family) doesn't guarantee immediate happiness. i think of it as an underlying, positive current to my life.

and yes, this song on here brought back so many angsty teenage girl moments for me (i know that's why you posted it).

diana palmer said...

well said friend. and though this post was uplifting, i couldn't help but feel sad for you and what you've been going through lately. not to drama it up, but a long lasting case of the blues is a really huge challenge. it has been a heavy week for sure, all around the world with this heartbreaking experience for the nortons...i'm so thankful for you, and your endless efforts to be cheerful and lift others even when internally you might struggle. you're a pretty tough cookie.

ashley said...

i am so happy it's a new week. this week will have it's struggles, that is for sure, but it's got to get better than last week was!
step, have you been feeling blue the last month cause i am back on the island? i think that is what it is ;) whatever it has been, you are always a breath of fresh air to be around, and i mean that. you put a smile on my face and are a great person and friend. here's to a new week, a new beginning. loves.

Kristen said...

I know EXACTLY what that feels like. just finally got over it. Amen to ash, here's to a NEW week, a NEW year. i love you, my friend. i found, during that time, i could turn on some music and dance around the kitchen and it helped some. ;)

laurel said...

Stephanie. Dear sweet sweet Stephanie. You are such a deeply good good person. Duh, I know Diana only hangs with the best of people, but now I have had the opportunity to really experience and see it for myself. You are not bad for feeling down to whatever degree it may be. I read that woman's blog, the woman with the son who just died. I was really really inspired by how strong and positive she was able to be. What a truly remarkable person and what a horrific tradgedy. Feeling down can happen sometimes for no really good reason though too. I should have written more to you before... I was so touched by your messages and your openess with me. I think the important thing to remember is that the way we feel does not define who we are... rather the attitude we take about how we feel, the thoughts we channel... these are what ultimately shape our reality I think. And you dearest, are always a shining bright example of positivity for us all. Truely, you've inspired me over and over again. Of course I can only speak from my own experiences which are limited in many ways but these are some of the things I find helpful to remember. One thing about feeling down apart from that it is part of the human experience, is that it helps allow us to open our hearts and remember to be compassionate, suffering in all its various degrees is common to all human beings... so when we do struggle, we are also able to feel a piece of what it is to be human and struggle in this world, a piece of all human suffering. This is what I have heard, and it makes sense to me. We all need moments to let down our guard, to admit that we struggle (though I might do this too much myself) I think that friends need eachother not only to share the best of times but also to help eachother get through times of lesser joy. And my goodness, look at what a kind friend you are to sooo sooo many people. Thank you Stephanie. Love you.

laurel said...

a book I am reading theorizes that all unhappiness stems from lack of self love. Maybe you need to do something special for yourself? For me, just brushing my teeth often enough and washing my face often enough feels like something I am doing for myself to say, hey Laurel, I love you, I am not neglecting you.

Brady and Rachel said...

Hormones. Ha, sounds like something my sweet husband would say too. My heart breaks for Natalie too, though I am also grateful for her strong faith and testimony. I feel blessed to personally know some of her Hawaii friends, because I know what wonderful amazing mothers and friends they are and you guys will be such a blessing for her to have around to help her through the pain. She is a rock, I've always known that, but good friends will help TREMENDOUSLY. Thanks for being one of those amazing friends! Hope you find some joy in today. Wish I could be there to experience the amazing peace and love that will be felt by all who attend sweet Gavin's funeral. I have no doubt it will be amazing to celebrate such a sweet angelic life. Good luck to you all in the upcoming week. Praying for you all! (Natalie, and all her Hawaii friends). Life each other up!