Just like every other mom I know, I am always re-evaluating what I am doing and how it is affecting my children.
I love my job and have received some pretty clear assurances that I am, in fact, supposed to be an English teacher at BYU-Hawaii. I get joy from it, I learn, I grow, I get to meet some amazing souls, I get frustrated, I get offended, I love it so so much.
But I love my kids way more and it was having a negative effect on my family despite all the positives.
Thomas never complains because he loves that I teach (and I am sure he doesn't mind my paycheck too), so he kills himself off to get home from wherever he is on the island three times a week in the afternoon so I can stop what I am in the middle of doing with the children, shower, try and look presentable, sneak out of the house so the kids don't throw an absolute fit that mommy is leaving again, rush off to find a parking spot on campus, jog to my office, make copies, beat my students to the classroom (not that hard to do), and whew, finally muster up whatever energy I have left into trying to make 20 or so reluctant 18-23 year olds of varying English speaking levels care about what I have to say. Oh, and I have two classes in a row, so lather, rinse, and repeat.
Once two classes are taught I come home and help get dinner made, kids to bed, and collapse. It worked ok, but it wasn't great.
My kids missed me, my husband was starting to look worn out, and I felt frazzled all the time. It just didn't add up.
I think almost every mom in this fabulous economy has to do something or will try to do something to make ends meet. It's just how it is. The trick is to make it work for you as best you can.
My job is usually one hundred percent rewarding and awesome. I feel lucky to have something suited to my needs and talents as a human being, but why am I writing the same blog post about it's problems over and over?
The only real answer I can come up with, is for me, no solution will ever be perfect because I will always feel that I am torn a little. I will always feel guilty for not being able to give more to a job that treats me so well and for missing a single precious moment with my children.
So, again, I am re-arranging and crossing my fingers that this new method sticks. That my children will grow in my brief absence each day and my job performance won't suffer from my obvious preference of my children over my students.
I must say though that I might just have the best boss of all time. Keith Peterson, if you ever read blogs (which I cannot imagine you doing at all sir) just know that you are THE MAN in the very best way. I tell him my troubles, with all apologies for seeming ungrateful, and he makes magic happen for me. I love my job.
Starting January 9th I will be working EVERY MORNING at 7:30AM for about an hour. I will teach a MWF class and a T TH class... that's right, at 7:30AM. I am looking froward to becoming a morning person. I have taught a 7:30AM class before and the kids were surprisingly alert and attentive.
Ambrose will be at school then anyway and Asher will get some quality time with daddy or grandparents. I will be in and out and done.
Most of all I am ecstatic about my free days, evenings, and nights with my family. Uninterrupted. Dinner together. Family home evening all night if we want. FREE. Change will be good- I can feel it.