i almost forgot to go the re-broadcast tonight and luckily my good friend matti reminded me. the robertsons didnt go to church today: poor thomas is taking his turn being sick now and ambrose has decided to cough a lot again. i felt like an un-showered mess, but i needed to go to the re-broadcast. i got myself together, headed out, and felt a little raw. do you know the feeling? it's almost pathetic, but it feels like this: who will i know at the dinner before hand that i can sit by if i dont see my friend? i dont have any energy tonight. i miss my family and best friend on the mainland. i need to do something about my breaking out skin and messy stringy hair. i dont really feel myself lately. and the silly concerns that seem to come from some bad brochure at a teen help center go on and on... our FFHH was lovely, dont get me wrong, but every once in a while lately i feel in a rut and not myself- tonight was one of those times.
i sat in the dark (and cold!!) of the chapel and i was ready to change my mind about how i was feeling. and i did. i had to even lean forward in my seat for most of the broadcast, because i felt like i needed to soak up every last word like a sponge and for some reason leaning forward was the best way to do that. it's a good thing it was so dark in there, because i felt tears stream down my face more than once as everything that was being said was everything that i needed and wanted to hear.
when President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke, i was amazed. honestly, i am a person who cannot help but feel (on a regular basis) that i am talentless and inadequate. i want to be creative and make things, but lack the basic know-how. i want to be musical, but i am not...etc. President Uchtdorf's talk enlightened me to the fact that i am a daughter of the most creative being-- i had never really thought of my Heavenly Father in that way before for some reason.
as i drove home i felt rejuvenated, but still a little bit sad that i dont really know what talent i have that i can be sure of and proud of. a talent is something you are really good at and we are all really good at something. what was mine?? i decided that i had to come up with something and the first thing i thought was, i am really good at loving my loved ones. i can be happy with that for now-- that is important to me.
what is a talent i want to develop? i try really hard to give my full energy to ambrose. i figure, i decided to have him so it is my job to raise him and show him how to be a righteous individual and a good and smart human being. (waikiki aquarium during the FFHH) even when i am out working i schedule time in the day to stop somewhere fun and do things he will enjoy, but i know that no matter what- he would benefit the most from a mom who can really give him her full attention. this is my goal- i know i have mentioned it here and to a few friends, but to work towards not working is my main goal and motto these days. i'm not going to run out and quit my job tomorrow, but i am going to sit down and see what works best for our family financially and what is reasonable and work toward that. i think we face such hard times in the world we live in. my goal is to be in a position to be there to teach and raise my son with all my time and energy to be the person he needs to be to face this world. this will be my talent. i can be good at this and this is what i ultimately want most. i am excited to be at a point in my life where i can do this and be good at the very important skill and talent of motherhood.