12 October 2008

before i forget how i felt

i almost forgot to go the re-broadcast tonight and luckily my good friend matti reminded me. the robertsons didnt go to church today: poor thomas is taking his turn being sick now and ambrose has decided to cough a lot again. i felt like an un-showered mess, but i needed to go to the re-broadcast. i got myself together, headed out, and felt a little raw. do you know the feeling? it's almost pathetic, but it feels like this: who will i know at the dinner before hand that i can sit by if i dont see my friend? i dont have any energy tonight. i miss my family and best friend on the mainland. i need to do something about my breaking out skin and messy stringy hair. i dont really feel myself lately. and the silly concerns that seem to come from some bad brochure at a teen help center go on and on... our FFHH was lovely, dont get me wrong, but every once in a while lately i feel in a rut and not myself- tonight was one of those times.

i sat in the dark (and cold!!) of the chapel and i was ready to change my mind about how i was feeling. and i did. i had to even lean forward in my seat for most of the broadcast, because i felt like i needed to soak up every last word like a sponge and for some reason leaning forward was the best way to do that. it's a good thing it was so dark in there, because i felt tears stream down my face more than once as everything that was being said was everything that i needed and wanted to hear.
when President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke, i was amazed. honestly, i am a person who cannot help but feel (on a regular basis) that i am talentless and inadequate. i want to be creative and make things, but lack the basic know-how. i want to be musical, but i am not...etc. President Uchtdorf's talk enlightened me to the fact that i am a daughter of the most creative being-- i had never really thought of my Heavenly Father in that way before for some reason.

as i drove home i felt rejuvenated, but still a little bit sad that i dont really know what talent i have that i can be sure of and proud of. a talent is something you are really good at and we are all really good at something. what was mine?? i decided that i had to come up with something and the first thing i thought was, i am really good at loving my loved ones. i can be happy with that for now-- that is important to me.

what is a talent i want to develop?
i try really hard to give my full energy to ambrose. i figure, i decided to have him so it is my job to raise him and show him how to be a righteous individual and a good and smart human being. Yeah! (waikiki aquarium during the FFHH) even when i am out working i schedule time in the day to stop somewhere fun and do things he will enjoy, but i know that no matter what- he would benefit the most from a mom who can really give him her full attention. this is my goal- i know i have mentioned it here and to a few friends, but to work towards not working is my main goal and motto these days. i'm not going to run out and quit my job tomorrow, but i am going to sit down and see what works best for our family financially and what is reasonable and work toward that. i think we face such hard times in the world we live in. my goal is to be in a position to be there to teach and raise my son with all my time and energy to be the person he needs to be to face this world. this will be my talent. i can be good at this and this is what i ultimately want most. i am excited to be at a point in my life where i can do this and be good at the very important skill and talent of motherhood. The Vortex

18 comments:

liko said...

yet another beautifully composed post by you. you are a great mom, and you work, too. that's pretty freakin' awesome. and you are beautiful, inside AND out. and i'm not just saying that. i wish i were as fit as you, too. and i loved uchtdorf's talk. his was the hopeful one, right?? to be hopeful, that's what stuck for me in his message. i love general conference, and i am glad you made it to the re-broadcast.

melissa said...

that talk made me feel really good too, because what i try to "create" so often fails, hard. but i've always had this drive to create things, and when it's all said and done the ones that fail aren't the important ones because i haven't created the right thing yet. and i think we all know what that is. at least i do.

melissa said...

yikes, don't think anything too exciting, though, if you deciphered that dumb comment.

Sofia Deyanira said...

Thank you so much for this honest and humble post. I have been feeling somewhat frazzled as I am a mother to a toddler like you, my husband and I are both still in school, manage apartments part-time, and are co-owners in the artist collective. Sometimes we ask ourselves why we have to these things and like you say, if you have talents, you need to use and work at them.

Somehow it all works out, with the help of each other. I am glad that you followed your instinct to be uplifted at the re-broadcast. Was that the Relief Society Broadcast? I haven't seen that one yet.

darcie said...

here here stephanie! i have to work (very flexibly fortunately) but i want so much to give kjell my full attention. i keep thinking he's just a baby this once and he needs all the love in the world. so that's my goal too. to be fiscally responsible so i can pay off my student loans and be 100% available to kjell! we're in this together.

star said...

Stephanie! You are so talented! I truly admire your ability to love and be a good friend. Look around you and think about how many people you touch in person and through your blog. I know I am a better person because of your friendship and example. THAT is a very special talent my dear!

Jillana and Ken said...

My dear, your talent lies in your voice. You are a gifted story-teller, I am always amazed at how well you write about every day life. Therein lies your talent....you are truly remarkable in the way you weave your stories on your blog. I truly look forward to reading it because it is so well crafted! Keep up the good work! Jill

Matti said...

Hello, your talent according to me is being a mom. I have always been amazed by your ability to cut out the excess. If it distracts you from being a good mommy you seem to cut it out like cancer (and I mean that in a good way). And you have FUN with your boy. That is what I have learned from you. I loved going to the beach with you and watching you litterally roll in the sand with Ambo. It made me realize I needed to get over my discust for sand on myself, and roll in the sand with my little one. I only have so many good sand rolling years with her afterall. BTW, thanks for sitting with me last night. Didn't even notice your tears. You are so sweet. I loved his talk too. And I love you!

Meg and Corbin said...

I don't know why you think that you are talent-less. You are an amazing writer. I love to read your posts, I could never write as well as you do! That is a talent!

boo face mcjones said...

i know that you have probably heard this a million times, and it probably isn't why you wrote this post, but why you could ever think of yourself as being without talent is totally beyond me.

you are infinitely better at making friends and truly caring for people than i could ever dream to be. that is a true gift!

however, i am glad to hear that you, someone i totally look up to, has those days where they don't see anything special in themselves. i struggle with that on a far too regular basis.

this post really inspired me to watch the broadcast from the church website this week. thanks, friend.

The Cutlers said...

It is funny how sometimes we don't see our own selves the way other people do. You are one of the most talented people I know! You have such a way of writing what you feel and such a great sense of humor! I hae always loved your ability to laugh and MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH! You are a great mom too! Don't ever sell yourself short... however easier said than done!

modestmuse said...

You always make me feel welcome and fun and like a co-conspirator in whatever good time you're having. You are always smiling and your laugh is musical!

Bitty said...

Isn't it interesting how blinded we are to our true abilities. I think you are so talented and energetic. You are clearly such an exceptional mother. this is something that i have also had trouble with lately. I think the answer comes in focusing on the remarkable moments that fill all our ordinary days. Hard to accomplish on a regular basis. It is clear that your life is full of the remarkable.

liko said...

wait, if you were referring to the relief society broadcast, i didn't see it. and my comment was in reference to his talk during the regular session...and i kinda feel like a moron if that's the case...

lizzie said...

Personally, I'm always impressed by how you manage to take time out of your busy trips around the island to find something that Ambrose would like. You are an inspiration to this tired mother who feels it is an accomplishment to get out and do something Simon wants to do once a week.

In.A.Nutshell said...

#1 : you are the coolest mom i know.
#2: i'm inspired ... a posting i will go.
#3: photographer, writer, mom, friend, well-witted, conversationalist, make-people-feel-better-about-themselves-er ... you are a woman of many talents. stamping, sewing, singing, etc. are overrated. :) you've got the talent gems.

Anna K. said...

Stephanie, you are a super talented person and the ultimate role model! I have always looked up to you!

diana palmer said...

i know you didn't write this post to hear all about how great you are. but that doesn't mean people didn't want to tell you. people really love you (but not as much as i do), and jumped at the chance to proclaim it! you've inspired everyone. you draw people to you, and not just ordinary joe shmoes, good people who admire you for all of your talents and your great, big, fat heart. i could write you the longest love letter. but i'll settle for saying i miss you too. and please send me some tips on how to be a better mom. i need them.