Jonah at 10 months!

Life is completely flying by me right now and sometimes I feel like I have zero control except for to throw my hands up and submit fully to the care, discipling, and feeding of these three boys. That must sound awful, particularly to anyone who doesn't have children of their own, but it's what I signed up for so I am ok with it. It's just an adjustment.

So much energy, so much time, and so much worry goes into these little boys.

And above all - I hope so much love too.

I love them so much. It wouldn't be worth all the unshowered days, effort, and personal sacrifice if I didn't also completely love the heck out of these boys.

Someday I will have a clean house, more time for my looks and hobbies, and a lower level of activity and noise in my house, but I only have this time now to hold soft little hands, and smooth sweaty wisps of hair, and those cheeks. Cheeks for days people. That is payment enough.

I am doing my best to enjoy it.

Jonah's 10 months stats:
-Pulls to standing and takes steps holding on to things
-Still prefers dragging and scooting and army crawling to the few half-crawls he has actually done
-Is nearly weaned due to multiple painful nursing mama infections- this is a sad point for me- but we still nurse once each night and I cherish that time- I will probably end that this week
-Gets into EVERYTHING and is never content to sit still unless daddy is taking him for a walk in the stroller
-Says, "bu-buh-byyy" as he waves bye-bye
-Will imitate a "WooWoo" when you say woof-woof around dogs
-Loves to eat all foods so far

Let's talk about feelings.

Isn't that the name of a Lagwagon album Thomas? A really good one too.

Anyway, feelings. We all have lots of them. It seems like it's considered a weakness to have them and so I have tried to hide mine a lot in the past, but with little success. I wear my heart on my sleeve unfortunately. It's great for connecting with others and being sensitive to their needs and it's awful because feelings can get overwhelming or be hurt. Overall, I'd rather be a sensitive person because insensitive people are not that fun to be around... wait, people with too many feelings can also be no fun to be around! Well, anyway, I think you get my point. I would rather love than never know love and all that jazz.

Lately I had a feeling that I wanted to remember. So here I am. Talking about feelings.

It happened this morning.

I was taking care of Jonah in a very typical way. He had just woken up and I was feeding him and then immediately I had to deal with a major diaper of his. I only share this gruesome detail to illustrate the interesting timing of this very tender and sacred feeling that came over me as I completed the most basic tasks of motherhood.

And the feeling went something like this:

I know my children. More specifically- I know the adult version of them and love them. We are good friends and we have had good times together before and what I am doing to take care of them right now (in small, every day ways and grand, long-term ways) is completely important.

So strange to have this very warm, familiar assurance rush over me while taking care of my baby.

And by strange I mean wonderful.

These kids will be adults one day and I don't even know how to properly express in words the feeling I had, but it almost felt like Jonah was humoring me in this baby form because it's a necessary part of gaining a body and so he'll do it and I am the person who was chosen to help him get through this fleeting stage of human existence.

I know I've had little whisperings of this feeling before with my other children, but it never hurts to be reminded.

And while I have you here, reading this, thinking I am crazy anyway, I will go on.

It put everything into perspective for me. I already knew being a mom was a big, hard, important job, but it just drove home the reverence and respect I have for this whole process. This life is such a short period in our existence, and we need to take our roles seriously.

Sometimes I feel like being the best mom I can at this stage translates into me therefore being: an unreliable friend, hurried employee, unorganized counselor in Relief Society, rushed spouse, tired human being, and slightly chubby and disheveled looking version of my former self; but right now it's okay and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I was truthfully a little bummed out today because I was supposed to get my hair done and some errands run, but had to stay home because Asher threw-up before school. Suddenly, changing diapers and being patient with a sick three-year-old, and taking care of my children the best way I can seemed not just necessary, but monumental.

I want to do this right. And that's all I really came here to say. I think it's good to share these kinds of feelings. It helps to keep what matters most on my mind. Thanks for reading.

The motherhood conundrum.

I love my kids so much it hurts. When someone is mean to them it physically pains me. When I drop them off at school I instantly miss them. When I drive home from teaching at night I chant, "baby baby baby baby...etc." because I am aching to hold my baby after a few short hours away from him.

But tonight my arms are aching because I have held him all day because he has a little cold and I have his dry boogers on my sleeve and I had to threaten the two older ones with their most beloved stuffed animals being taken away just so they would stay in bed for crying out loud so I could have a minute without them to wind down for the night.

I need to check on Asher in a few minutes to make sure his fever has broken and I need to get Jonah out of my spot on the bed so I can crash before waking up in the night to feed him and then getting up right after that to feed the kids breakfast and lather, rinse, repeat.

It's actually quite a blessed life and exactly what I signed up for and oh-so-very sweet, but when I closed my eyes tonight for a few minutes before Jonah fussed to be nursed some more, I longed with all my heart to wake up tomorrow to no responsibility. No one needing a single thing from me. Nothing but a day at any beach at all with not even a book to read- just the sound of the waves and the salty air whipping through my carefree mind. I wouldn't break-up a single fight, appease any tantrums, or try to figure out what anyone wants.

Is that just absolutely terrible? Because I feel horrible for admitting it because who do I live and breathe for and long to be with when they aren't in the safe reach of my eager arms? My kids. And husband. All those beautiful boys.

Growing babies and giving birth has aged me, ruined my figure in exhausting and sometimes disappointing ways, and also made me completely whole and given my heart a whole new dimension I didn't know I had before. It bursts and twists and bleeds and leaps all the time at the sound of their voices and in their successes and needs. I am so frustrated with the way I look right now, and yet I know exactly how I got here and I am proud of what my body has accomplished.

When they are fighting and disobeying I wonder how I could ever want a fourth child and in the same instant I am heartbroken at the thought of no more children. How are two such polar opposite desires possible? It's maddening.

So this is motherhood. At least for me. My heart has been broken into three beautiful, wild little pieces. Two of them run around demanding this and delighting with that and the other rolls around a little and cries out to be fed.

I am worn out.

I am brazenly proud.

I am longing for silence.

I am honored to be surrounded by all this life.

I need to wrap this up so I can rest for a few hours... just enough time to be woken up with one or all of their needs. Just enough to be needed and needed and needed all day. Just as much as I need to function.

Maybe if everyone's feeling better in the morning we can get out together and do something fun and take a picture so we can remember this time. This time when we were tired because everyone was so small and needed us so much. This sweet time when these small ones taught us so much. Yes, maybe we'll do that.

This is the night I became a mother:

And it's been a hard, crazy, fun ride ever since!

Grateful for my family this Mother's Day and my Mama who taught me by example.

Just being together.

As my boys get older and older I find myself having more fun everyday-- just being together. They say funny, unique things in cute little voices that will crack and get deeper someday and then maybe not want to talk so much about every observation of fleeting thought under the sun. I hope these long, unscheduled days of talking about the big, little, inconsequential, or surprisingly philosophical things will strengthen our bond so when those years (when they'd rather talk to their friends or the girls they like) come, hopefully, talking to me will be a natural part of our routine.

All that is to say: these boys are my buddies now and that's gotta count for something later. :)

there's plenty to be insecure about

at any stage of life really. I think as a mom the insecurities can pile high and smother you if you let them because everything you do could potentially change someone eles's life drastically. And not just any "someone," but little impressionable someones that Heavenly Father trusted you with.

I worry about their emotional self-esteem and how the way I treat them now will affect them when they are older.

I worry about the way I approach potty training somehow messing them up in the future.

I worry about the way I treat food and how it will dictate the way they eat as adults or what kind of body they will have.

I worry about giving them too much attention and spoiling them, or not enough attention and making them insecure and needy....

Should Ambrose start preschool and when and on what schedule?

Asher can finally walk, but why isn't he trying to say much?

How will my leaving three times a week to teach make them feel?

Will I ever be able to handle another child?

Will I feel sad if I never have another child?

How do I teach Ambrose and Asher about the gospel when I am still learning myself and what's important for them to learn now?

Why can't I muster up all the patience that I need a lot of the time and how is that going to reveal itself in Ambrose and Asher when they need to show patience someday?

DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

Whew.

This is exactly why it is great to have a favorite scripture:

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest." (Joshua 1:9)

I always try to corner my dad into telling me some sort of fix-all parenting secret since he is a psychologist who specialized in child development. Sometimes he tells me things I don't want to hear because being a parent is hard work and I want all the answers now. Mostly he just tells me the truth and I need that.

Recently he said, "You can read up on what to do, you can ask the advice of others who have children too, but then you just need to trust yourself and follow your instinct above all. You're doing a great job."

I think that's true. I'm doing a great job.

Haha. No, actually what I mean is he is right about the rest. I get so caught up in what some website or magazine or parenting book says should be happening that I forget the best advice comes from the still small voice. It certainly doesn't hurt to read up and know all the options, but I just need to quiet down and listen to that above all.

I am so happy to have that knowledge.

Faith is better than fear. Here's to happiness! (and husbands who love to document the everyday moments that we cherish)

now the day is over

seen and heard (love is in the air edition)

**** Heard ****
Ambrose: You wanna hear a story Mama?
Me: Tell me a story Amby.
Ambrose: Ok. (in a faster paced voice) Once upon a time there was a little mommy naaaaaaamed... (thinks it over)...... (looks at my shirt which has little deers all over it) ummm... little goats!
Me: Ahhhhh, yes.

**** Seen and Heard ****

Ambrose: (picking up a piece of popcorn and holding it out to me) Oh Mama, you want this piece?
Me: (touched) Sure buddy.
Ambrose: Ok, here! (puts it in my mouth and giggles with delight as I crunch it.)
Ambrose: Here Mama, have another one (holds it out like he's going to feed me again so I open my mouth as I say-)
Me: Thanks buddy- (and just as it reaches my mouth he snatches it away and quickly goobbles it up! laughing so hard he can barely swallow)

**** Seen:
Asher reaching two arms out to Mama
**** Heard:
Asher clickity-clacking his tongue, which means he wants a kiss
**** Seen:
Mama grinning ear to ear as she get a big slobbery Asher kiss
**** Heard:
More clickity-clacking as Mama heads off to finish cooking- baby wants another kiss


**** Seen ****
Ambrose finally getting in the swing of a little potty training action today (!!!!!)
**** Heard ****
Mama: GOOD JOB MY BIG HANDSOME AMBROSE BOY!!!
Ambrose: (giggling)
Mama: You're AWESOME!
Ambrose: oh, and you are so awesome too my pretty Mama girl

no one's making you read this

so stop right this minute if you get offended easily.

I may not even publish this anyway, but sometimes when thoughts circulate in my brain for long enough it helps to get it all typed out as if I am going to share it with whoever it is that reads this blog.

What has been humming around in my mind for the longest time is the stay-at-home mom issue.

Maybe I just need to stop reading so much, but there seems to be a ton written lately about how staying home with your kids is not that important and since I have dedicated my time to staying home with my kids right now and it is an all-consuming career choice... this dismissal kind of irks me.

I consider myself a stay-at-home mom since if I do ever work it is one class three times a week and my children are with their father.

In this way I feel lucky. I get to be home raising my children all day and get a little break here and there. I think all moms deserve a little break, but let's not kid ourselves- there is no substitute for a loving parent being home with their children all day.

Many working moms work because they have to and some by choice and I say- that is your choice and you have obviously not entered into it lightly. I love all the working moms I know so much and know that they all love their children like crazy. I have met some other working moms here and there who all have one common comment they seem to all have gone into a secret pact on in sharing as often as possible, "Oh, I could NEVER do what you do. Ugh, I HATE staying home. I HAVE to have ME time."

Awesome.

I never know just how to respond.

"Yeah, I hate 'ME' time. In fact, I never go anywhere. I love to stay home so much and am such a simpleton that it never occurred to me that I might feel more special and cool if I got showered each day and had a fulfilling career. In fact, can you hold this baby for a minute and keep an eye on that wild three year old, I'm gonna go work on my resume!"

heh heh

Instead I usually end up quoting some tired cliche like, "well, it's not always easy, but we do our best..."

Lame, but true.

I am not perfect. I am NOT someone who feels content 100% of the time cleaning, cooking, changing diapers, scolding, budgeting, negotiating with a toddler, figuring out what a non-verbal baby is screaming about for over 20 minutes....etc.

I am frustrated that my three-year-old refuses to potty train and that my one-year-old refuses to walk.

I think I need to delete my facebook account, because every time I get in touch with another old classmate I am a little taken aback at how glamorous and carefree a life that is career and travel driven can seem.

In fact, as long as I am confessing things here, every once is a great while, when I've had a particularity trying day with the kiddos, I job search. I get on craigslist and the like and look for work. I do. I think: "I'm not cut out for this. We would be better off financially if I worked. I'm gonna go crazy staying home all day. The kids might be better off if they had someone more patient looking after them all day..." and that's where it stops for me.

I can't do it.

I can't let someone else spend the day with MY children. I am sure I would have to get used to the idea if we were completely without choice, but I lived with my in-laws for a whole year and trespassed upon their kindness when we all probably wanted our own space just so I could be the one reading to the babes. Feeding them lunch. Having learning time with Ambrose while Asher naps in the next room. Teaching Ambrose about love and patience as I conquer my own temper by not screaming at him when he drops chocolate chips all over the new, fancy rug. Falling in love over and over as the cranky, teething baby stops screaming and reaches for my face to kiss and slobber on. The list can go on and on.


Today I was feeling a little sick and, consequently, sorry for myself that my apartment is in serious need of scrubbing and I have no energy to do it. My kids were in various amounts of PJs and lack of clothing, running around with crumbs on their faces and every surface they touched, and there was an endless stream of kid shows blaring in the background that no one was watching. This is the kind of stay-at-home clatter that makes me chuckle as I reach for a cloth to clean it all up on a good day. Today... I wasn't feelin' it. I put Asher down for his nap and he screamed himself to sleep for a good 15 minutes while I lectured Ambrose on keeping quiet while the baby tried to get to sleep. I finally sent him downstairs to get all that wildness out on the lawn and patio toys as I situated myself on the dirty stairs to watch him.

I was thinking it all over as I often do. The way I just don't feel cut out for this sometimes and how better off we all might be if I even just found a part time gig.

Then Ambrose stood at the screen door looking at me and whispered with a knowing grin on his face, "Hi mama."

"Hi buddy," I whispered back with a smile, "I'm really really proud of you for remembering to whisper."

He quietly opened the door and tip toed up the two stairs to where I was sitting. Sat down just how I was on the stair, carefully copying me, and then put his chubby little feet on my lap, his arm around my neck, and asked me in a whisper, "Mama, are we best friends?"

Oh my.

My eyes filled with tears.

"What do you think?" I asked him (trying to keep the pathetic hopefulness out of my tone as best I could).

"Yeah, I think we really are."

"Good. I think we are too!" came my enthusiastic whisper.

Am I saying that if you don't stay home with your children you will never have these moments?? OF COURSE NOT! I don't even think I have a final resolved thought for this post other than: it is not easy for anyone to stay at home, but my choice to do so has taught me so much and bonded me to my children in a way that gives me great joy.

There are the hard moments, the sad moments, the frustrating moments and everything in between, but moments like that really seal the deal for me and make me feel good about my choice. They make me feel like I have purpose and that all the teachings and struggles and times when I have been patient have been pushing us to something good.

I have to feel that or I wouldn't be doing what I am doing.

I feel that I have about five years from the minute my children are born in which they are all mine without too much outside distraction and influence for better or for worse. Only five years in the entire span of our lives. I'm going to use this time to conquer my selfishness, my rough edges, show them unconditional love, teach them, nourish them, and bond them to me any way I can so when they start to spread their wings I can feel secure that I did my best and that they know they are loved.

To each his or her own. This is how I feel about my family. You know what is best for yours. I'm going to choose to not be offended by what I read from here on out because my best friend Ambrose needs someone to build a train track with him and that's more fun than feeling irked.

we give them something to gawk at

Living in Laie can make you feel like a fish in an aquarium. Tour buses come into our tropical little town a couple times a day to gawk at the natives. Haha. I kid. Actually, they just want to get a view of our gorgeous temple, PCC, and BYU-Hawaii; and since we live a stones throw (if you can throw with great force) from all of these locations we frequently encounter many a bus on our daily jaunts about town.

I actually don't really notice anymore.

It wasn't until yesterday, when I saw a PCC tour bus of several tourists of the Asian and maninland variety rubberneck their way down our street that I realized me and my band of babes were the main attraction.

I even saw a few camera flashes go off.

And it made me come upon a halting, hilarious, incredulous realization: my life is kind of odd to the everyday human. Or is it?

If you consider a barely 26 year old woman, walking down a street lined with towering palm trees, holding a black-eyed scrappy baby on her hip who is absent-mindedly tooting a hot-orange recorder at his high-pitched singing brother, who is sitting in a red wagon full of food for his friends family who just had a new baby a rare sight...

...then yeah, we warrant a few stares and maybe even a camera flash, but what are they gonna need that picture for and what are they gonna see when they finally load their memory card onto their computer two years later (if they're anything like my parents- hehe)?

I bet if they looked back at pictures of themselves as young mothers and fathers they wouldn't see something too different.

We're all just getting through this tiring, hilarious, and exhilarating stage with as much patience and fun as we can... palm trees or not.

ughh, so far this morning...

Ambrose has woken up by falling out of his bed straight onto the back of his head, cuddled both us of in a mommy/daddy sandwich of soothing consolation, woken up his baby brother with enthusiastic chatter over the Berenstain Bears show, danced around his room to avoid the dreaded morning diaper change, insisted on accompanying me to the bathroom and gabbed my ear off all throughout, begged for breakfast as if I've been starving him these last three years, demanded that he help make oatmeal, poured water all over the stovetop, indignantly eaten raw oats to prove a mysterious point, refused cooked oatmeal after copious amounts of syrup, cinnamon sugar, and green apple were put in, refused plain oatmeal as well, honestly pleaded for plain sugar for breakfast for at least 20 minutes with bouts of screaming and sobbing all throughout--

and then Mama lost it.

And screamed at everyone. Including unsuspecting Daddy who was just trying to wake up and come out to help.

It was ugly.

I blame it on too little sleep and too many demands.

Also, I blame myself.

Now it's Daddy to the rescue! taking both boys out for a drive since the walk I started to prepare for in an effort to distract from the epic disaster that was this morning tragically failed as soon as I erroneously attempted to put sunscreen on the three year olds face.

Daddy's giving me a break, but really I feel awful anyway. I wish he didn't have to.

All kids are different and it's hard being three.

I'm going to use this quiet time to figure out a game plan for being the best mom to Ambrose that I can.

He's clearly a special kid and he clearly has a strong will for a reason and

clearly

he was sent to me for a reason.

I just need to forget what I thought I knew about being a mother and ask the Lord for help in being the mother Ambrose needs.

It feels really good to recognize that.

It's gonna be great even though I'll probably still lose my patience and have to start over from time to time.

He's a strong spirit. I'm excited to see what life has in store for him and eager to help him reach his fullest potential.

Self-pep talk over. I feel better. Ready, set, go!

i'm just wondering

If you go to awesome 80s baby showers too?


No? Guess you better get cooler friends.....

If you ate five brownie bites for breakfast?
(not pictured, cuz they're gone......)
No? Guess you're a real adult. Good job.


If you got your membership card yet?
If not, give it a few more days... and then if not again tell me. I'm not always as organized as I pretend to be.

If your son is now at the stage where he wants to go to Happy School all by himself so badly that he made you wait nervously at the very bottom of the driveway, squinting your glassesless eyes to make sure he made it in the door safely "ALL BY HIMSELF!!!!"?

Yes, you've been there!
Isn't it a nerve-racking, but proud little stage all at the same time?
(When I got into first grade I used to cry to my mom, "Why can't you work like all the other moms so I can go to daycare with my friends?!?!?!" and make her wait around the corner from my school so I could pretend I was walking home alone..... I'm sorry Mom. Thanks for keeping me.)

If you are also deciding to take the rest of your week at an unapologetic contractors pace?
You've never had the privilege of working with one so you aren't sure how to do it?
Well, why don't you try weaving the general attitude into your everyday life.... like, take six weeks to make dinner for your family, go missing for several days somewhere in there so they start wondering if perhaps you are now cooking for other families, and then come back and be really friendly and charming so they can't hold it against you and so they then look like the unreasonable ones for being so starving that whole excruciating time........

oops.

Was that a rant?

Sorry.

Happy Thursday y'all!!

i start monday

I got a call tonight.

I don't remember it word for word.

It went something like this:

The Composition Coordinator (a dear lady whom I really like): "Hi Stephanie. I know you couldn't do First Term but how do you feel about teaching English 101 this Spring. You would start Monday. We really need someone and we thought of you. Sorry it's so last minute."

Me: (inside my head) "Ah crap" (Thinking about all the reasons it didn't work out for my family so well last semester. 1. Leaving my kids in the morning 2. Thomas gets a late start to his day 3. I get a late start to my day with my kids and it throws us off)
"Well......"

Comp. Coordinator: "Before you say anything let me tell you the bad things about this offer."

Me: "Ok....."

Comp. Coordinator: "We are still looking for a classroom for you since we had to add this section due to large enrollment and it would maybe have to be an evening class, but we could try and see if--"

Me: "WHAT? No, no, that's actually a positive! A big one. I might actually be able to do that. The evening class? Oh, good . Yes please. Let me talk to my husband and I'll let you know ASAP."

Comp. Coordinator: (A little incredulous) "Really? Seriously? OK..... Great. Good. Call me back."

Me: "OK!"

And Thomas, that dear man, he was so excited for me (since I cried like a baby on my last day of class this semester) he told me he really thinks I should do it and that it would not be a problem at all.

What a guy.

What a job.

Perfect timing.

Still get my whole day with my kiddos and my nights with my man.

Seriously?

I swear. Sometimes things just work out.

Yes they do.