You know what's making my heart beat very fast right now?

I am sitting out in the front room while everyone has finally gone to bed so I can have a second to myself. My husband got home a little later than usual. Ambrose had already eaten dinner because he couldn't wait another minute! It was that kind of late. This husband I speak of had not a single no-show at work. Back to back to back therapy sessions. So many he almost lost track. After all that, he heads out of his way to swing by Costco before coming home so he could pick up things I asked him to get. He comes home and takes care of pukey Asher. He makes sure Ambrose doesn't go to sleep before they've had some bonding time. He comes back to Asher and researches the best way to rehydrate our poor, sick little guy and magically makes that happen. He finishes the laundry because the dryer's on the fritz and I'm tired. He does the dishes I left piled up all day while I am in the other room feeding the baby. After baby is in bed we sit for a minute as I get out the laptop and he watches a show. We are together, but powering down in our separate ways. It's nicer than it sounds. Quiet and familiar. We stop to tell stories of our day here and there. Content in the lack of kid chaos--together. He decides he will call it a day and I tell him I'll join him in a minute. I hear him pad down to our room just as the baby starts fussing and think, "Great, just when I thought I was going to read this..." As I reluctantly start closing down my google reader I hear a sweet daddy soothing the baby back to sleep. Ever so gently. My heart beats fast and I open up my blog to write him this love letter.

team boo

Today we had good news to share back and forth and I paused after hanging up to enjoy it. The glow you feel when you're moving forward is exciting and even more rewarding when you can feel genuine joy for the ones you love as well.

We work well together. Tonight was a great night celebrating our little one's potty achievements and believe me it's a big deal that you can only understand when you also have a headstrong toddler to train.

Here's to more good nights and days. Working together. Staying positive. Optimism yields the most effective growth and unspoken understanding and teamwork too.

It helps that we are eternally invested in this progression too. Interestingly enough there is something freeing about that type of security.

Hardworking, modern, helpful, silly, intelligent, and true-to-yourself honey.

Glad you are mine.

heart beat

Thomas Robertson you are quite the catch.

i start monday

I got a call tonight.

I don't remember it word for word.

It went something like this:

The Composition Coordinator (a dear lady whom I really like): "Hi Stephanie. I know you couldn't do First Term but how do you feel about teaching English 101 this Spring. You would start Monday. We really need someone and we thought of you. Sorry it's so last minute."

Me: (inside my head) "Ah crap" (Thinking about all the reasons it didn't work out for my family so well last semester. 1. Leaving my kids in the morning 2. Thomas gets a late start to his day 3. I get a late start to my day with my kids and it throws us off)
"Well......"

Comp. Coordinator: "Before you say anything let me tell you the bad things about this offer."

Me: "Ok....."

Comp. Coordinator: "We are still looking for a classroom for you since we had to add this section due to large enrollment and it would maybe have to be an evening class, but we could try and see if--"

Me: "WHAT? No, no, that's actually a positive! A big one. I might actually be able to do that. The evening class? Oh, good . Yes please. Let me talk to my husband and I'll let you know ASAP."

Comp. Coordinator: (A little incredulous) "Really? Seriously? OK..... Great. Good. Call me back."

Me: "OK!"

And Thomas, that dear man, he was so excited for me (since I cried like a baby on my last day of class this semester) he told me he really thinks I should do it and that it would not be a problem at all.

What a guy.

What a job.

Perfect timing.

Still get my whole day with my kiddos and my nights with my man.

Seriously?

I swear. Sometimes things just work out.

Yes they do.

yep, that's when i knew.

It could have been when he told me we were going out tonight and he had already asked his mom to watch the kids

or when I was told to order whatever I want from my favorite Thai food restaurant, but make it to go

or when we arrived, Thai deliciousness in hand, to our dinner destination and I sat and thought: "When did he plan all this?" (because I knew he had a busy day at work yesterday and later that evening I acted like a big fat brat who didn't really deserve anyone to plan a fun date for her) as I waited for him to buy our drinks

or when we chatted after we were done eating and watched the surfers


waiting for the gorgeous sun to set

but it wasn't even then or when he then cleaned up our meal and loaded us up in the car to go see the stupidest valentines movie ever just because he knew I wanted to see it.

I was close to figuring it out as we rolled our eyes together and made snide jokes the whole time. That was pretty great.

But honestly, although he was so patient to let me browse around a clothing store prior to the movie and sweet enough to have purchased treats ahead of time... that still didn't top the

swell of adoration I felt for him when I saw him carefully scan around his seat after the movie to make sure he picked up all his trash.

THAT sealed the deal for me.

CUTEST VALENTINE EVER.

That's just who he is.

I loved everything about this evening Thomas. Even when every cheesy plot line played out exactly how we predicted it would in the movie. There's no one I would rather mock a chick flick with.


Glad you're mine.

Thirty Years Awesome.

Hey Thomas!

Our boys want to tell you something:

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY DAD!

and

WE LOVE YOU!

and when did you find the time to get so old?

and now I want to tell you something:

You're a great dad! Most of the time I feel like the kids would be better off if you stayed home with them all day, but you let me take the easy job- so thanks!

and while we are on the subject I hope it doesn't freak you out too bad that you are stuck with me for time and all eternity

because I feel pretty excited about it.

If I had to choose one person to live with on a deserted island I would choose you. Again. I guess it's just lucky for us Oahu isn't too deserted, but it could be fun.

Anyway, what I mean to say is that I love you and I hope you have a great birthday! You deserve a special day for sure- so let's eat carmel brownies until we are sick and go see that Avatar movie at the IMAX in 3D- chahooooooo!

he passed!!!!

after one Masters in Social Work completed, then 3,000 supervised clinical hours over two years working, many many nights studying at the library, several large boring textbooks read, various podcasts listened to, a bunch of practice tests taken, and a whole lot of prayers offered

THOMAS ROBERTSON PASSED HIS CLINICAL LICENSE EXAM ON HIS VERY FIRST TRY WITH FLYING COLORS THIS MORNING!!!!

we hardly told a soul he was taking it because we had heard horror stories of people taking it nine times...etc. before passing. it is a beast and he CONQUERED it no problem! :)

the kids and i tried to keep ourselves occupied this morning. we made him cookies and a "we are proud of you" sign because we would have been no matter what and then he called with the great news and so i knew i had an hour until he would be home from honolulu.

i cried a few happy tears then we got all dressed up, ordered pizza, made juice and got the table set, straightened up the house, cranked up the upstanding youth tunes and got ready for "daddy's party"!


ambrose practiced saying, "GOOD JOB DADDY!" with large amounts of enthusiasm over and over while asher and i kept watch for his arrival.


that is one relieved man.

i think we will all sleep well tonight for sure. with this license comes a big promotion at work that he has already been promised, better pay, more doors opening for him professionally, and the end of a very hard year for our family.


life will never be "practically perfect in every way" but this is where the clouds part for us and i couldn't be more thrilled for my smart, capable husband and our happy little family.

thanks to all of you loved ones for cheering us on this year. it hasn't been an easy one and in some ways it has been the best year ever (that seems strange to say, but true.)

HOORAY!!!!!!!!

for the hard working, studying daddy

we're proud of you! we love you!!

my great awakening! haha! :)

i didn't even think i needed this or maybe i just didn't want to admit it...because, well, we are happy. things aren't always perfect, but we try our best and we each fill certain roles in our relationship and things are rolling along as they should, BUT then my good friend matti (who is very wise) suggested that we read this book for our november choice in a book club i am a part of.

my reaction: a big fat eye roll.

dr. laura??? yuck. i tried listening to her program a couple of years ago and was amused at first, but then it was too much to stomach and until recently i thought it was because i hated her and her approach to helping people.

and then yesterday after finishing her book i realized, nope. i can't stand the people who call in time and time again determined to be unhappy in their lives.

we all have things that we love to hold on to even though deep down we KNOW they hold us back from our truest potential and from all the happiness that is ours if we will take it.

some people love to gossip even though they know it just leaves them feeling critical and unhappy about others when they are done. (that's me sometimes.)

some people love to binge on tons of junk food in one sitting even though they know they will have to run for 40 miles to work it off, feel sick, and be a big old fatty and look bad in their clothes. (oops, that's also me sometimes.)

some people love to blame everyone else for everything bad in their lives even though they know deep down that we all have it hard in different ways and if they tweaked their attitude a bit they would be a lot happier. (uh oh, me again. crap.)

and others love to feel mistreated when they are in their pajamas at noon, with kids screaming around them because their mothers aren't paying attention to them, in a messy house, feeling punished and oppressed because their husbands are so "free" and get to be at work all day with adults feeling important even though they know their men have it hard at work a lot of the time and there is nothing more rewarding or important than working hard and raising your own child (that's every stay at home mom i know at one time at least in their lives if we are going to be honest.)

you get the idea. i could go on and on. there are so many of these things that make us feel good at the time, a pity party for one or a destructive behavior that we feel entitled to that ultimately keep us from REALLY being happy.

i didn't even think about it that much until i read this book by dr. laura and i would have never picked it up on my own matti so i am singing your praises to the high heavens because just the title alone would send me straight for the nearest barf bag.

and WHY?????

don't i love my wonderful, sweet, hardworking husband more than anyone or anything in this whole wide world????

because i was married so young i think i feel self-conscious about looking too traditional or like i have a 50's housewife mentality. i don't want anyone thinking that i am in any way oppressed because i married young and had children after graduating instead of chasing a career.

and what the hell for? honestly.

it may seem like i am ranting at this point, but i am having a great awakening so bare with me here.

the things that matter most are my husband, my children, and our home.

any idiot can agree that those things matter 100 times more than anything material and that goes for paying off debt or buying a house (because what on earth is the point of buying a house if you can't stay home to raise the children you created in it?).

therefore, i choose to embrace that. more than i ever have before because careers are hollow and you don't take them with you into the next life.

sometimes this book was hard for me to read, but i swallowed it and got through the parts that irritated me (and asked myself why it irritated me which may have been the hardest part of all) and then i used the things i learned and we are already so much happier for it. already.

and i finished the book yesterday. pretty fast results. haha :)

just read it. or continue on and hope for the best. ha! but, do yourself and your family a favor and read it.

i love you and want you to be happy too.

did i say thank you yet matti? thanks. :)

today i am thankful for matti for suggesting this book to me and for a huge dose of clarity!

thankful i didn't marry a neanderthal

cuz i don't know what made me think of this today, but i thought of a girl i once knew who did. we were both newly weds and were supposed to have a meeting at her house one afternoon and her husband happened to be home in between classes around the same time as the meeting. some other group members and i waited in stunned silence as she hurriedly chopped some tomatoes to complete the tacos she had made for her husbands lunch. not even her lunch. just his lunch. her baffling devotion would have been somewhat touching if it weren't for the fact that her neanderthal of a husband was exasperated that it was taking so long (mere seconds) for her to chop his tomatoes. he was hungry dash it all. he kept shrugging his shoulders and huffing and puffing. i wanted to barf.

actually, i wanted to smack his plate out of his hand and scream, "are you KIDDING ME???? make your own damn lunch! a simple sandwich shouldn't threaten your manhood too terribly much."

hehe

but anyway, i think i've mentioned my husband is very extremely awesomely helpful on here before. he has never once treated me like that. not once.

if i can't muster up the energy to make dinner thomas always offers to or says, "let's just scavenge tonight!" and we still eat together, but just heat up saimen, leftovers, sandwiches or whatever sounds good and easy.

thanks thomas. i'm pretty sure you know i adore you.

i'm thankful for a helpful, hardworking, and understanding husband.

here he is looking cool at a show they played last week :)

just the facts max

every once in a while i find myself dwelling on some facts that i never want to forget about my little family. here are some of them:

ambrose: still talks to and about "doo-doo".... we still cant figure out who that is. he also calls asher's pacifier a "grass-a-phopher"- we love it. he listens to every word we say (even if he chooses not to obey-haha) and remembers and dazzles us with how smart he is.

thomas: makes me look bad (and i LOVE him for it all the more!). i was lounging around nursing asher today and i realized that in a 24 hour period thomas had: done a load of laundry, made homemeade (breadmaker) bread, combed and rinsed ALL the cradle cap off asher's sweet little head, made me orange julius, done about three loads of dishes (he is the dish doer in the relationship- i cook, he washes), gotten up early with ambrose (he also does this every morning), made the family crepes for breakfast, gave asher a bath, entertained ambrose during sacrament meeting, made me feel loved and pretty, reprimanded ambrose in a way that taught him but still made him feel happy and like his daddy loved him, and changed many a diaper, etc. etc. etc....... anyone feeling like a slouch yet? :) me too. but mostly i just feel really lucky and in love about the whole thing.

i was telling him all this earlier today and i ended with, "you're like.... the perfect man!" and without missing a beat he said, "and yet, i'm not a vampire." hahahahahaha!

asher: drifts off to sleep by himself during the day, but prefers to be cuddled up to mommy all night and i am totally ok with this scenario. maybe i'll want him OUT! one day, but for now, nothing he does bothers me. what's the deal?

also, when we were on the mainland this summer asher was so brand new and got sick because he was having a hard time breathing in the dry mainland air and so my mom started a hot shower in their little bathroom and me and asher went and sat in there to soak up the steam, hoping it would clear up his nose and chest. as i sat there holding my three week old baby, i looked into his eyes, let the steam envelope us, and sang "my darling" by wilco to him (the song that is playing now). it makes me cry every time i hear it now because i remember what a nervous night that was, but how sweet it was to sing to my baby that we made him with the love in each of our hearts and that we were a family right from the start.

these are things i dont want to forget. ever. :)

press play and then read on!

hey thomas!

well, it's been five years today. and we got married pretty young. i was shockingly young, whew, good thing it worked out ;)


you gave me these beautiful babies:


you make cool stuff like this:

this:

and stuff like these:



my clothes seem kinda cute when you display them in this manner. i should think about this as i'm throwing on the same old thing everyday. ;)

you're workin hard for your family and sometimes it's too stressful, annoying and maybe even dangerous, but you do it anyway and you make it seem easy.

you always support me in my wild schemes to plan this, and sew that, and you dont get too mad when i buy yard after yard of fabric (or at least you dont let on if you do, so thank you, cuz it's a disease i dont want to find a cure for).

you have great taste in music and movies and that counts for a lot!

you're obviously an impressive drummer. i'm impressed:





you are so smart and have so many facts stored away in that NPR listening brain of yours.

and you are a spiritual leader in our family. i respect your gospel knowledge and hope to be like you someday!

but most of all you're just you. my best friend and someone that i quickly fell in love with because it was just obvious. i am glad we didnt drag it out. i am glad we knew and were spared the high drama that comes with a lot of relationships. i am glad we started our life together with a lot of optimism. a lot has happened in five years and i am glad.

thanks for all you do for our family. i look forward to you coming home to us everyday like most people look forward to the weekend because once you're here everything is more fun and we all love you so so much!

glad i get to have you forever. i love you!

thomas, you've really out-done yourself this time...

honestly, you shouldn't have.... oh, and you had no idea you did until i told you that you lovingly bought me these three books for our five year anniversary coming up:



what?! it was like a "buy-all-three-now-and-save" type deal and i have been eyeing all of them for a long time and so i thought..... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME!!

that thomas, what a guy :)

side note: he rolled his eyes a little but i told him he will be so pleased when he has a handmade home and he said, "oooooooookaaaaaaay" in a really supportive, my-wife-is-nuts kind of way. we work well together.

hmmmmmm, along those same lines, i wonder if i will be buying him this:
for our anniversary.... (insert nervous laughter here)

i wrote a poem called: the lasting shock

see if you can figure out who im talking about... (dont worry, it's obvious)

24 weeks

here you go mama.

and i am attempting to make something for thomas for valentines day. it could be really great or maybe it will just be sad. let's hope not. either way... it's the thought that counts right?

and he's off!

today is no holiday for thomas robertson. he needed to head out and track down some new clients who may really need his help right about now. so we are saving our monday holiday for next week and have some serious family fun planned in honolulu.

i can tell it's monday because this always happens: we have a lovely weekend and thomas is such a hands-on dad and team player in our relationship that when the weekend is over (sort of like when midnight strikes for cinderella and the spell is broken) and it's back to regular life, i always have a little moment of worry... like, "WAIT! you're leaving now? it's up to ME and only me to be in charge?? are ya sure???"

of course me and the toddler end up have a grand old time and we're fine, but the arrival of monday morning really makes me appreciate any time spent with my eternal mate: t-rob. :)

so, me and bubba headed straight out to the beach this morning and now we're back to eat dino shaped chicken nuggets... if we're gonna have a monday we may as well have a really great monday.

i really like: my honey, recently 29

today thomas turned 29... and as he put his chubby arm around me and rested his soft cheek against mine i just wanted him to stay 29 forever... :) jk, this is not a repeat of yesterdays post (and thomas' arms are most certainly not chubby), but a celebration of the man i love most!

thomas is a man of many talents. if there is ever a good looking picture on this blog, he most likely took it. he plays the drums in a band, he plays a lot of other instruments by ear, he does dishes for me every night, he gets up with ambrose bright and early every morning so my pregnant body can get more rest, he genuinely prefers family time over any other recreation, he organizes spaces in our house before i can ever get to them, he works really hard with some people who are generally really hard to work with, he schedules time out of his work day if i ever have an appointment or pressing engagement, he is our sons best buddy, he is romantic, he is thoughtful and patient, he is hilarious (in a subtle way... you'll never catch him trying desperately to get attention), he is modest, he is brave, he is hot, he is genuine, he is knowledgeable, he is curious and a life-long learner, he is my mate and my babys daddy.

i could go on and on, but i'll just tell him in person and spare him any more public embarrassment. :)

i would never encourage a young, 19 year old girl who is far away from home to seek out the nearest 24 year old drummer and get engaged a little less than 4 weeks later because for that to work out.... well, it doesnt seem likely. but that is our story. we met and it was obvious. he never even asked me to marry him. we were sitting on my balcony one night... having another late night that could go on forever laughing and talking (undoubtedly kissing... im sure) and looking at the ocean and in a sweet whisper he told me he wanted to marry me. i felt so calm and sure as i kept looking at the water and i nodded my head and said, "yeah."

it just made sense and it scares me to think of where i would be if i had let the fact that i was so young, or that we hadnt known each other that long get in the way of what i really felt: and that was that he was the man i wanted and should marry.

i love you thomas, you are my best friend and our life is so beautiful. thank you. happy birthday t-rob. :)