use your words

Living "down the street" from the ocean and being literally surrounded by it for so long has inevitably led me to draw parallels and analogies from it's constant presence. There's a wave for every emotion.

Yes, I really make these sorts of personal comparisons. And I love it. Eat your heart out transcendentalists!

But really, most days are a calm, flat summer in Oahu for me. The occasional rolling tide of excitement or random upset. All is crystal clear and promising.

I think we all have our choppy days-- murky water and ugly breaks. No one wants to get in and frolic around with you because you're hard to be with and too much work.

I'm never a gigantic, angry tsunami. My in-laws might disagree after living with me as we waited for our place to be built and I figured out how to manage two very young children in cramped quarters all together all the time. My bouts of anger are brooding and simmering, but quickly crash, devastating all in my wake until a gentle tide brushes everyone away, only to gather those who wish to remain safely in for a smaller set until peace remains.

But today I felt out of sync all day. There was no gentle pull and exhilarating crash. No give and take. No patterned tide to ride out until calmer waters returned once more. My children floated along, helpless to my crash, eager to return to rhythmic tides.

I was too.

So I paddled along remembered courses. Cuddle everyone up with a favorite movie, draw with chalk outside, clear the main room of clutter... but still uncertain waters billowed all around as the swirling, insistent current surged and tugged around me. Treading water at this point, I commanded my ship and drove the little ones far away for a day out. Stroke by stroke we paddled through familiar places and sailed on carefully. Safety on the horizon.

Until the drive home got too long and Ambrose's persistent requests to go to the beach became too many. Even though it was almost dinnertime I pulled off at Kekela where we drew a long, winding track in the sand with the heel of our slippers. It was getting cooler and the salt air was crispy on our faces as we finished creating the course. With the waves roaring on our right, as if cheering us on, I loaded Asher on my back like cargo, Ambrose held tightly to my left hand and we ran and we ran and we ran. Soles padding, faces laughing, heart pumping in and out-- gentle pull and exhilarating crash.

Asher's tiny arms still clung tightly around my neck as I sunk down into the sand, my legs alive from the race, and breathed heavily with relief. Ambrose grabbed my face in both his hands and exclaimed, "I win! I want to go camping with you! Let's invite dad! I want to race again!" He was happy and babbling every free associated thought that occurred to him in an excited sequence that matched my relief. Asher, cuddled up on my back like a little sea lion with his mama, giggled in my ear and kissed my cheek and the rhythm of the waves echoed in our ears as we brushed off the sand and headed for home.

oh Bakersfield

There are certain things that remind me of home.

And I'm not talking about my true home, which has been, and forever will always be right here on my happy little island.

But the place I grew up. Bakersfield, California.

The place I couldn't wait to get out of.

The place I always felt like a fish out of water in.

The place where a lot of great things happened for me and a lot of things I hate thinking about too.

I don't know why I get so embarrassed when I think about my growing up years. I think we all went through the painfully awkward stuff and so I am not unique or alone in that, but I still cringe when I see pictures of some old boyfriend online or when an old VHS of a play I was in resurfaces, or when I think about how much I let things get to me in High School and how alone I let myself feel when I had good friends all along.

So our hometowns are like big, heavy leather trunks tucked away in the attic of our memory, storing all the past anxieties, disappointments, learning experiences, and triumphs too.

But so much time has passed since I have actually lived there that I find myself wishing to be there and I think that is because

Kimball and Betty Hawkins, my own sweet parents, live there.

And my sisters family.

And my old haunts and hangouts.

And a few treasured friends.

And my childhood home.

And all that good Mexican food and Barbecue.

And so we are excited! And even made a paper-chain.

And in 14 days this current mother of two, wife, Hawaiian heart and soul, homemaker, English teacher, lap swimmer, crafty version of me will visit Las Vegas, Utah, Newport Beach, and yes, Bakersfield, California and I'll run my fingers over my homecoming queen crown, and watch the old obnoxious drama nerd VHS tapes, and swim in my parents pool without a care again and avoid some people as best I can while catching a glimpse of the old haunts and hopefully reconnect with some dear friends as well.

I'm looking forward to it.

uh-huh

Yeah we made our own shirts (actually Matti made mine), waited in line for hours with all the other excited weirdos, met up with more giddy friends that we saved seats for, ate junk, giggled, screamed, got shushed by the angry older crowd (what were you serious types doing there at midnight???), felt awesomely young again since we got shushed by the angry older crowd, and had a simply marvelous time.

Again.

I love all the high-horse riders who refuse to read this book or go to a movie. You are all proving your point..... wait, what was it again? I'm sorry, I was too busy having tons of fun to catch it!

And I'm a literary snob. Who loves Twilight. So there! (insert pre-teen tee-hee's in here)

I tried to be sensible for 3/4s a day and backed out the morning of because I need all the patience I can get with potty training Ambrose and teething Asher, got lunch brought to me by friends who talked me back into going (seriously you guys are pure gold), and speaking of pure gold: Thomas stuck around this morning to get up with the kids and keep them entertained while I caught a few more zzzzzzzzzs.

It's nice having a husband who supports silly. Uh-huh it is.

no one's making you read this

so stop right this minute if you get offended easily.

I may not even publish this anyway, but sometimes when thoughts circulate in my brain for long enough it helps to get it all typed out as if I am going to share it with whoever it is that reads this blog.

What has been humming around in my mind for the longest time is the stay-at-home mom issue.

Maybe I just need to stop reading so much, but there seems to be a ton written lately about how staying home with your kids is not that important and since I have dedicated my time to staying home with my kids right now and it is an all-consuming career choice... this dismissal kind of irks me.

I consider myself a stay-at-home mom since if I do ever work it is one class three times a week and my children are with their father.

In this way I feel lucky. I get to be home raising my children all day and get a little break here and there. I think all moms deserve a little break, but let's not kid ourselves- there is no substitute for a loving parent being home with their children all day.

Many working moms work because they have to and some by choice and I say- that is your choice and you have obviously not entered into it lightly. I love all the working moms I know so much and know that they all love their children like crazy. I have met some other working moms here and there who all have one common comment they seem to all have gone into a secret pact on in sharing as often as possible, "Oh, I could NEVER do what you do. Ugh, I HATE staying home. I HAVE to have ME time."

Awesome.

I never know just how to respond.

"Yeah, I hate 'ME' time. In fact, I never go anywhere. I love to stay home so much and am such a simpleton that it never occurred to me that I might feel more special and cool if I got showered each day and had a fulfilling career. In fact, can you hold this baby for a minute and keep an eye on that wild three year old, I'm gonna go work on my resume!"

heh heh

Instead I usually end up quoting some tired cliche like, "well, it's not always easy, but we do our best..."

Lame, but true.

I am not perfect. I am NOT someone who feels content 100% of the time cleaning, cooking, changing diapers, scolding, budgeting, negotiating with a toddler, figuring out what a non-verbal baby is screaming about for over 20 minutes....etc.

I am frustrated that my three-year-old refuses to potty train and that my one-year-old refuses to walk.

I think I need to delete my facebook account, because every time I get in touch with another old classmate I am a little taken aback at how glamorous and carefree a life that is career and travel driven can seem.

In fact, as long as I am confessing things here, every once is a great while, when I've had a particularity trying day with the kiddos, I job search. I get on craigslist and the like and look for work. I do. I think: "I'm not cut out for this. We would be better off financially if I worked. I'm gonna go crazy staying home all day. The kids might be better off if they had someone more patient looking after them all day..." and that's where it stops for me.

I can't do it.

I can't let someone else spend the day with MY children. I am sure I would have to get used to the idea if we were completely without choice, but I lived with my in-laws for a whole year and trespassed upon their kindness when we all probably wanted our own space just so I could be the one reading to the babes. Feeding them lunch. Having learning time with Ambrose while Asher naps in the next room. Teaching Ambrose about love and patience as I conquer my own temper by not screaming at him when he drops chocolate chips all over the new, fancy rug. Falling in love over and over as the cranky, teething baby stops screaming and reaches for my face to kiss and slobber on. The list can go on and on.


Today I was feeling a little sick and, consequently, sorry for myself that my apartment is in serious need of scrubbing and I have no energy to do it. My kids were in various amounts of PJs and lack of clothing, running around with crumbs on their faces and every surface they touched, and there was an endless stream of kid shows blaring in the background that no one was watching. This is the kind of stay-at-home clatter that makes me chuckle as I reach for a cloth to clean it all up on a good day. Today... I wasn't feelin' it. I put Asher down for his nap and he screamed himself to sleep for a good 15 minutes while I lectured Ambrose on keeping quiet while the baby tried to get to sleep. I finally sent him downstairs to get all that wildness out on the lawn and patio toys as I situated myself on the dirty stairs to watch him.

I was thinking it all over as I often do. The way I just don't feel cut out for this sometimes and how better off we all might be if I even just found a part time gig.

Then Ambrose stood at the screen door looking at me and whispered with a knowing grin on his face, "Hi mama."

"Hi buddy," I whispered back with a smile, "I'm really really proud of you for remembering to whisper."

He quietly opened the door and tip toed up the two stairs to where I was sitting. Sat down just how I was on the stair, carefully copying me, and then put his chubby little feet on my lap, his arm around my neck, and asked me in a whisper, "Mama, are we best friends?"

Oh my.

My eyes filled with tears.

"What do you think?" I asked him (trying to keep the pathetic hopefulness out of my tone as best I could).

"Yeah, I think we really are."

"Good. I think we are too!" came my enthusiastic whisper.

Am I saying that if you don't stay home with your children you will never have these moments?? OF COURSE NOT! I don't even think I have a final resolved thought for this post other than: it is not easy for anyone to stay at home, but my choice to do so has taught me so much and bonded me to my children in a way that gives me great joy.

There are the hard moments, the sad moments, the frustrating moments and everything in between, but moments like that really seal the deal for me and make me feel good about my choice. They make me feel like I have purpose and that all the teachings and struggles and times when I have been patient have been pushing us to something good.

I have to feel that or I wouldn't be doing what I am doing.

I feel that I have about five years from the minute my children are born in which they are all mine without too much outside distraction and influence for better or for worse. Only five years in the entire span of our lives. I'm going to use this time to conquer my selfishness, my rough edges, show them unconditional love, teach them, nourish them, and bond them to me any way I can so when they start to spread their wings I can feel secure that I did my best and that they know they are loved.

To each his or her own. This is how I feel about my family. You know what is best for yours. I'm going to choose to not be offended by what I read from here on out because my best friend Ambrose needs someone to build a train track with him and that's more fun than feeling irked.

nature: my fave

other current faves include:
thomas and his nature photography (see above)
ambrose
asher
birthday weekend extravaganza
ward camp week at the beach
oh yeah, beach
filling my house with tree images (yes, like the one above)
the new bike i'm getting belatedly from my parents and thomas. all i had to do was turn 26.
trying to get organized about teaching my sons (see side bar: mama school)
my friends
essential oils ("balance" and "wild orange" to be exact. makes me feel like a revitalized mother nature. i told you i'm psycho.)
planning our up-coming mainland take over! i mean trip.
a resurgence of mates of state love
a tall glass of cold water with 1/2 a fresh squeezed lemon in the morning
love wherever it is found
sneaking little moments on the computer to keep in touch
the book of mormon
seizing creative moments
lists. obviously.

i had to share

I have been feeling so good lately.

In our home.
Kids healthy at last.
Work is so fun.
Home all day with the kids living it up- beaching a lot too!
Good friends and family to call my own.
Thomas starting exciting new ventures in his career that he SO DESERVES.

It feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is radiating brilliantly all around us!

I think it is really important to stand still. Take a deep breath. And recognize how good we have it every once in a while.

It is so easy for me to complain or worry. But luckily I tend to hope no matter what and I know that is because I have faith in my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

I know that they know me personally and they care about me. I know it. I feel my eyes brimming with tears and a whispered confirmation as I type that.

I love this Christian song (JJ Heller Your Hands) I stumbled upon a while back when I was really struggling. It was a perfect expression of my testimony at the time. So beautiful.

Anyway, tonight I was preparing my lesson for the zany 11 year olds Thomas and I teach and these quotes made my soul smile and my heart beat with joy. I just had to share!

by Virginia H. Pearce:

“• Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live, and they are in charge of this world.

“• They know me.

“• They love me.

“• They have a plan for my future.

“• I will obey the commandments, work hard, and trust in their plan. Sooner or later, everything will be okay” (“Faith Is the Answer,” Ensign, May 1994, p. 92).


from President Gordon B. Hinckley:

“Every one of you was endowed by your Father in Heaven with a tremendous capacity to do good in the world. Train your minds and your hands that you may be equipped to serve well in the society of which you are a part. Cultivate the art of being kind, of being thoughtful, of being helpful. Refine within you the quality of mercy which comes as a part of the divine attributes you have inherited” (“The Light within You,” Ensign, May 1995, p. 99).

(photo credit the one and only natalie norton!)

Sooner or later everything has become more than OK for us and I know we have a long way to go, but I am enjoying where we are and what we have to look forward to and feeling grateful for what we have done. The support of family is wonderful too. We love our parents and siblings! We love our extended families and good friends! We love the Lord. Life is progressing. Hope all is well with you and if it is not- hold on with a perfect brightness of hope!

The Lord knows you. He loves you so much too. Great things ahead if we all do our part! How exciting.

so...

whenever i say, "so...." thomas says in a matter-of-fact voice "sew buttons."

and it drives me crazy.

and i love it too.

so...... (sew buttons)

our computer is in the shop getting a new hard drive (i'm typing this on my work computer four minutes before my class starts! hurry!)

me and the boys are sick AGAIN (someone PLEASE tell me what i am doing wrong or doing to deserve this and i will remedy it ASAP.)


the apartment is nearly livable but there are a few things holding us back from moving up there and i'm over it (i realize that i always sound like an unappreciative brat when i write stuff like that but try not living in your own house for over a year with all your stuff scattered in a cluttery, dusty, chaotic mess and then judge me accordingly.)

it's so hot all of a sudden and i just want to spend every day all day at the beach with my kids doing what mermaids and fishies do! (but we must get better first and we still have everyday obligations to attend to... even in paradise.)

so.....

in other words i am looking forward to june.

no more teaching, no school, we will be moved in to our awesome little home, and i only have three things on the calendar:

asher's birthday
my birthday
camping with our ward

birthdays AND camping? two of my favorite things!!

oh, and go to the BEACH everyday!!! (make that four things then)

until then, i'm gonna keep my grumpies to myself and take a nice long computer break. aloha.

have you ever read this book?

There are a lot of questions surrounding the Mormon or LDS faith.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I love it. I love the peace and happiness I feel when I attend the temple, regular church meetings and activities, in my personal and family prayers and also when I read the Book of Mormon.

The sister missionaries in our area came for lunch on Saturday and we always have a great time with them. When they left they gave me a brand new copy of the Book of Mormon and told me I could give it to anyone I want.

Who do I love enough to trust with something so personal to me? Something that changes my life daily and brings me such joy?

It's a nerve racking thing to give such a gift.

Here's the thing: I would LOVE to give YOU a copy.

Are you curious what this whole Mormon thing is all about? You really should learn for yourself and learn from the source.

If you would like a copy I have one for you- no strings attached and totally free. It would just make me really happy to send you one.

Email me: stephaniexrobertson(at)gmail(dot)com and I will mail it to you PRONTO!

This book has changed my life and even if it doesn't change yours in the same way, at least you can know what this whole Mormon thing is all about. :)

missing out

Don't you just hate being sick!?! ME TOOOOOOOOOO!

I miss out on all the fun stuff when I am sick.

Like the girly movie night she organized:

and I love girly movie nights and all the girlies that went!

AND a fun beach day or two with these fine folks:

and I love fun beach days and those fine folks!!

AND a delicious North Shore baby shower for the mama in this picture who is pregnant with her third and still manages to maintain those cute little legs:

and I love delicious North Shore baby showers and that gorgeous mama (and I'm jealous of her skinny legs!)!

AND the ultimate 60s surf beach party first birthday for these two twiny twins:

and heaven knows I have the old Gidget movie memorized and seriously love those baby kiddos!

AND just ask my kids, I have been missing out on being their nice, patient, fun mom over the last couple of days.


In fact, please don't ask them. Maybe they'll forget how horrible I have been and still love me.

AND Thomas. Even when you get in from a late and into the early AM show you still rise and shine with the kids in the morning because you know I have been up sick in the night. You, sir, are pure gold. Love you!

I give this hacking cough one more day and then...... and then..... (insert threat here. Can't come up with a realistically suitable one because my brain turned to mush at about 1AM when the coughing kept me and all the neighbors awake.)

BOO for being sick but to all the people mentioned in this post and my students who have had to listen to a raspy whispery man voice for three classes now- I will get better soon! Thanks for putting up with me.

Hack hack. Cough cough. See you soon!

their lives in fake polaroid

Finishing the floor takes priority over fixing the computer - oh yes it does! They have been working so so hard on that floor!! Good job you guys!

So this update is brought to you by iPhone fake polaroid.

Asher loves lids these days. Lids and lids and lids.

And as for Ambrose boy?

according to the pictures I've been taking he's really into sleeping in weird positions lately:



but truthfully I think I just have a slight obsession with taking photos of my kids as they sleep:



It's just so precious. And quiet. :)

And if MAGICALLY you get a little shut-eye in yourself? Heaven. Hardly happens. This might have been the third time we all napped at the same time. If that.

Anyway, this isn't an accurate representation of what we have been up to, but it'll do.

Oh wait, Asher wants to give you something:Mwah! Have a great day!

i'm just wondering

If you go to awesome 80s baby showers too?


No? Guess you better get cooler friends.....

If you ate five brownie bites for breakfast?
(not pictured, cuz they're gone......)
No? Guess you're a real adult. Good job.


If you got your membership card yet?
If not, give it a few more days... and then if not again tell me. I'm not always as organized as I pretend to be.

If your son is now at the stage where he wants to go to Happy School all by himself so badly that he made you wait nervously at the very bottom of the driveway, squinting your glassesless eyes to make sure he made it in the door safely "ALL BY HIMSELF!!!!"?

Yes, you've been there!
Isn't it a nerve-racking, but proud little stage all at the same time?
(When I got into first grade I used to cry to my mom, "Why can't you work like all the other moms so I can go to daycare with my friends?!?!?!" and make her wait around the corner from my school so I could pretend I was walking home alone..... I'm sorry Mom. Thanks for keeping me.)

If you are also deciding to take the rest of your week at an unapologetic contractors pace?
You've never had the privilege of working with one so you aren't sure how to do it?
Well, why don't you try weaving the general attitude into your everyday life.... like, take six weeks to make dinner for your family, go missing for several days somewhere in there so they start wondering if perhaps you are now cooking for other families, and then come back and be really friendly and charming so they can't hold it against you and so they then look like the unreasonable ones for being so starving that whole excruciating time........

oops.

Was that a rant?

Sorry.

Happy Thursday y'all!!

making big choices. feeling important. sputtering.

Hi.

I only have one more week after today and then my semester is done and then I am back.

*back to regular stay-at-home mom life, which I love

*back to blogging I am sure

*back to sewing- and we'll start that sewing society oh yes we will... if you still even want it

*back to getting things ready for our new apartment

*back to getting good pictures taken of my family and sharing them of course (no offense iPhone)

*back to exercise. Of any sort....

And I'm excited because I love to prioritize and last month, interestingly enough, I was offered TWO jobs that I didn't even seek out.

1. Teaching Eng101 again- first term this time

but i said "no thank you" because I want to see a bunch of you on the mainland this summer and so that is that.

2. I am not even sure I am allowed to discuss it but it was a major job with a major paycheck

but I said "no thank you" because, well:

these two babies are tasty and this time we have together is sweet, and fleeting, and sometimes frustrating, but so so precious to me.

And truthfully, I think I fill the job best even when I am losing my patience with them because Heavenly Father loaned them to me and I've promised him I'll give it my all

each and every day.

And I am accountable for them.

So far we have grown-up a lot together.

I don't want to give up a minute of that job to anyone else, which I would have had to do if I took the job. I'm too selfish! :)

Little boys of mine, if you ever read this sometime in the future when you undoubtedly think I am out of touch or that I "just dont understand"- hear this: we started fresh each day and I chose YOU first... time and time and time again.

This is starting to get off track (what's new?) but I have a good friend and fellow English part-time teacher who once told me (after we discussed how she lucked out and got to teach the once weekly evening class) how about every six months she has to re-choose to be a stay-at-home mom. I believed her but I thought, "That's crazy. How could that possibly be true?"

And now I am beginning to get it. Offers come up and if they don't sacrifice nurturing my little ones GREAT, but even the extremely-part-time teaching job I loved was getting in the way of our days and starting to feel like a distraction from what was most important.

And that big job, well, truth be told I felt stupid turning down that paycheck and maybe even secretly (I'll admit it) the importance I would feel in the position I was offered.

But you know what?

I nervously turned it down- sputtering out all my reasons in an overly apologetic voice,

got off the phone,

went into the bedroom where Ambrose was playing,

got down on my knees to help him finish his block tower,

and he looked up at me with his twinkly eyes, big smile that hugs those little pearly teeth, and said "Oh mama, you're back to help me?!" and I just had to hug him close and cry a little.

I felt a rush of freedom and relief.

And you know what else?

I've never felt more important in my life.

and now about the pups

I still have children you know. However, when I want to blog about Ambrose or Asher I can never get to all the good quality and awesome pictures of them because our lightroom is acting up and freezing our computer and that is where the pictures are stored. Boo hoo. Chad Crosby do you know anything about Macs and lightroom?

Anywho, the other issue is that I am so busy with these pups of mine these days: having fun, or soothing tears, or feeding them, or giving timeouts...etc. that there is no extra time to sit in front of a computer. I'm sure you can relate.

So, here are some cell phone pictures and a little about the fun - ok- no joke- I just had to take a wad of paper out of Asher's mouth while I was in the middle of that sentence. Whew. Near choking avoided. I'm back now. SEE???? Anyway, he's playing with a big diapers box now and I'm letting Ambrose brush his teeth over and over so I can type this. I'm sure you can relate.

No you can't? Well, you're a better mother than me then. Give yourself a gold star.

OK.

Ambrose will be three in like a week or so. He is getting interested in potty training just barely and I will spare you all potty training details. You're welcome. I'm not one to type out how many poops and pees my child makes. No offense people, but I never want to know that much about someone else's child while I'm blog reading. haha :)

We've started attending a weekly preschool group in Kaneohe after my class on Wednesdays which is AWESOME! It's like a real classroom with real teachers and real resources and it's FREE. It's through DOE and is first come first serve and luckily we saw the flyer early enough in the library one day. It's all about the developmental stages and how to bring out the best in your child. We love it.

We are also still loving Happy School twice a week. So fun!

Yum, chocolate sucker...... (bleh.)
He's been saying some pretty hilarious stuff too. This post might be long if I get it all down, but my sisters and parents will appreciate this and it's kinda awesome so here goes:

Me: Ambrose stop smothering Asher. Stop.
A: Hug him?
Me: NO! Stop. Ok, you didn't listen so you've lost the right to touch him.
A: (reaches out his hand) Give me my right! (Grabs the air in front of me and then proudly gallops around screaming) I got my right back!!!

****

After 45 minutes of trying to get Ambrose to eat something besides tortilla chips for dinner.
Thomas: Finish your yogurt or no dessert.
A: But I'm being funny!
T: You know what's gonna be funny? The look on your face when you realize you don't get any dessert.
A: (without missing a beat) Funny for YOU but not for Ambrose!

****

Thomas: Ambrose you know you can't do that. You're not allowed.
A: AM I LOUD NOW?!?!?!??!?!?!

****

Me: (grabbing 4 pieces of Life cereal out of Ambrose's snack bag) Can Mama eat these?
A: (concerned) No! (Grabs them back and crumbles one into tiny pieces) You can have this small one so you don't choke!!

****

(As I walk into the room Ambrose looks up from his coloring)
A: Oh Mama, you know that I love you?
ME: Yeah buddy thanks. I love you too.
A: I love you too! (As if that's the best new idea he's ever heard.)

****

(Ambrose slows down after a bike ride.)
Thomas: Do you need a break buddy?
A: (rubbing his calves and shins) Yeah, I need to break these legs.

He's still my sweet baby boy and loves to be treated as such. In fact, as per his request of course, we pretended he was baby Jesus all morning. No joke. I carried him around since I was "married" (Mary) and Asher huddled around us because he was a sheep. Glorious.

And normally in my blogging life this far Ambrose plays the role of the naughty, hilarious, entertaining main character and then Asher gets a cute picture and a sweet comment or two, but look out world! Last week I swear I woke up and noticed that Asher has six teeth and one or two more coming in, can crawl like an absolute maniac, and has allllllll sorts of opinions. OH! and Thomas taught him to clap and it's precious.




These pups of mine sure are fun. Thanks for reading.

silent anniversary

My oliofolio peeps will recognize the title of this post, but this time I am referring to the fact that March 1, 2010 came and went and we didn't say much about it.

We moved out of our happy little Hauula home

March 1, 2009 to start a new adventure: living in Thomas' parent's home while they embarked on a three month mainland adventure, and then trespassing on their kindness a little longer until our renovated nest on top of their house was complete. I missed our little home in Hauula so badly and sometimes I think I am trying desperately to recreate it with every design choice I get to help make in the new apartment.

Light, bright, clean, modern, basic = perfection.

I remember when we sighed at the fact that we might have to wear out our welcome for as much as three to maybe even five or six months together upon their return. It seemed like a lot to ask and like a time of transition that we hoped wouldn't mess with our kid's schedules or behavior...etc. too much.

Well, it has been a year and we are starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel as far as apartment completion is concerned, but more than once I have felt like our toys were strewn about my in-laws house a little too much, our toddler screamed a little too loudly and frequently, I was unaware of what said toddler was doing while I nursed a very hungry baby perhaps a little too much, I didn't take my turn to cook dinner for everyone one too many times...etc...etc.

BUT

lucky for us my in-laws have a way of making all that seem ok. If they are reading this: THANK YOU.

How many young moms have the luxury of a loving grandma and grandpa right there to help out at a moments notice?

What will I do once we are upstairs in our own space that I have been craving for so long and I FINALLY have to deal with it all MYSELF?? :)

Anyway, here's to the year that no one expected. A year that taught me so much about simplifying, letting things go, and moving forward with a perfect brightness of hope no matter what set-backs came our way.

A hard year. A wonderful year.

A year I wouldn't trade for anything.

Eating my bloggy words

I take it back.

This morning my kids are totally annoying.

Hahahahaha!

Such is life. I'm gonna sign off and go kiss their whiney faces!

don't get your panties in a bunch

This is NOT an announcement by any means, but the other day Ambrose did tell daddy that we needed a "girl baby" and I couldn't disagree. Thomas felt ganged up on. :)

But really, when I see things like this:
here

it makes me feel a secret little longing that I really didn't think I was going to feel again because I am content with my little family. We are having a great time with our sweet, feisty boys.

But, ahhh, there's so many fun sewing projects for little girly girls.

Anyway, I seem to be a little random in my thoughts these days, but what I am thinking about tonight is how much I am enjoying motherhood and how lucky I am to be home with my children.

I could get a full-time job and we would probably be a lot better off, but I choose to sacrifice all the "lot better off" stuff and stay home. Not everyone can or wants to make that choice and that's everyone's own business. You know what's best for your family and I know what's best for mine and this is my blog so I'm talkin about me here. ;)

When I think about all the molding and shaping that is going on with my children from the moment they wake up in the morning until the moment their chubby cheeks hit their pillows at night I get a little overwhelmed and feel inadequate, but we take it day by day and we try our best and when we get stressed out and aren't doing our best we can start over fresh.

I think every child deserves a nurturing, loving parent to be there for them and raise them well.

I feel like this time is so important not only for my kids, but for me too. I have learned to go without and learned to find fun and learning opportunities in so many different settings. I have also learned what my limits are and when to take a little breather or how to pick my battles...etc.

I'm so grateful for the chance to be with them - taking on the day with enthusiasm, hope, and love- in search of the next big adventure!

What is the future going to bring for our family?

I'm in no rush to have any answers these days, because even when things get whiney and crazy I am really enjoying the here and now.

This is a new feeling for me.

I am a girl who probably would have enjoyed many different careers, but who currently finds herself swimming in playdates, stickers, PB&J, potty training, forts, sand and sunscreen, marshmallows, number flashcards, car seats, story-time, tantrums, baby kisses, scripture stories, camp-outs, kites, library books, mum mum crackers...etc.

and it's a sweet place to be.

I know this is what I am supposed to be doing right now.

What could be better?

coming to you live from my office

I thought I would get my tests finished before class, but I can't so instead I am making a to-do list. Maybe I'll join you at the tattoo parlor ash.... I really love to do lists.

side note: Thomas once made me a little notebook of blank to-do check-off lists for a "just because" present. He got all creative with it. It was awesome. It had several pages and was used very quickly.

other side note: Sometimes I write things I have already done on a checklist just so I can check it off.

Side notes done, now for the to-do for this week:

last side note I promise: nothing on this list has already been done so I can't check anything off just yet, sadly. Not even the grading. Boo hoo.

finish pesky tests

take sick baby Asher to the doctor

get Ambrose a TB shot for this little weekly preschool group we might do

catch up on grading

clean our "apartment" aka- our bedroom and our kid bedroom... they are both severely neglected because I keep thinking "Oh I'll just deep clean it when it's time to move up to the new place"... but it's never time to move up to the new place. Face the facts Max.

Go for a run or two

Get 12 inches cut off my hair!!!!

Start making our pelmets (see sidebar tutorial for more info)

Maybe finally mail out the Sewing Society cards- I have like 200.... million

Finish the binding on our bedspread quilt

Get more sleep (HA!)

Do a couple good deeds

Write a few love notes

Read to my children every chance we get

Go outside every chance we get

Not let my son watch a show more than once a day (we don't even have a TV right now, but the computer is my crutch)

Start a top secret project

Feel content if I get even four of these things accomplished

Stretch
And here's an old picture of the band trying to look like tough guys just for kicks!


Ok, better get to class soon. Adios Amigos!

an awkward stage, bless her heart

It's kinda late, but I feel like a chat.

I need change. I need a makeover.

I have really long hair and I love it, but my baby pulls it all day and maybe it's not as lovely as I think it is. It is also everywhere I look (shower, floor, baby's greedy fists...etc.) and that's nasty... so.... Plus I have always wanted to donate to Locks of Love and you have to have 10 inches to donate, and I could actually spare 10 inches so why not.

It's just hair. It'll grow back (she tells herself in a shaky voice).

Why is this even an issue?

I'm considering these styles:



When I ask Thomas he says go with the Nicole Richie (and that's the one in the middle in case you have no idea who she is. Oh and if you don't know who she is... bravo. You're kinda awesome.).

I'm just terrified it will end up looking like this:

and to that Thomas says, "then keep your bangs and don't part it in the middle" with a "DUH" tone of voice. He's entirely awesome.

Anyway, I am all confident about it one minute and the next I think, "Nah, I like my hair." So, does that mean I shouldn't do it?

In other news, I hate all of my clothes.

ALL OF THEM.

Raise your hand if you feel like you have been wearing the same outfit for like four years.

Me too.

And those same clothes have now been through two pregnancies. And if you are like me you restrict your spending to Ross, Forever 21, Wet Seal, Jeans Warehouse, thrift stores, garage saling, maybe a good Old Navy Sale...etc. You know, cheap, but can be awesome if you dig. The thing about those kind of clothes- they are cheap for a reason, i.e.: not meant to last even half a decade.

So I want new clothes, but every time I go shopping these days I end up putting most if not all back... and with two kids, yeah, wait, I DONT go shopping. Ever.

Part of my problem, too, is that I don't like a lot of clothes that are "in" these days. I guess I am "out". That's cool.

I need a new swim suit too. Real bad.

I want one like this:

Or something in the neighborhood.

This post is going nowhere, but I need a makeover. Or something. Apparently I thought you should know.

Ok, thanks. Back to your regular scheduled programing.

a beautiful blur

I'm positive I have entered some sort of swirly in-between stage in my life. My kids need me all day and that sounds like it could be stressful, but it's really not 95% of the time. It's just a fact. I am a mother all day long and it's totally what I signed up for.

And then at night I get to collapse in a heap of exhaustion and that sounds pitiful, but it's also not 95% of the time. Just another fact. It's a good collapse that comes from a day of giving yourself to two little boys who love you so much.

If I had been blogging the last couple of weeks I probably would have told you about

the whales we saw on one of our favorite family hikes last week

or about the time Ambrose threw up in the car twice in a row on the way to Thai food last night and said, "My burp came out" over and over in a really sad little voice instead of freaking out as we scurried to clean him and his seat up in the coldish rain on the side of the road in Haleiwa

or that I can make fondant now and it's not so hard

or that I have papers to grade but the tests are done

or that Thomas and I hand-stitched a 90x90 bedspread for our new room while listening to episodes of This American Life for three nights in a row

or that I went surfing with my friends on Friday and caught my first wave in like six years, but I rode it on my knees with my arms outstretched like a big, excited, dorky bird and then got worked over and over and eventually knocked in the back of the head. It was awesome. I'm going to regain some upper body strength and paddle out for more.

or that Asher got his third tooth this week and it has been a looooong time comin. The other three surrounding it on top are threatening to either break through soon or ruin his life forever.

or that the dry wall is done on the apartment but now it's going to take even longer before we can move in because my in-laws decided to put in a brand new kitchen and that's a-ok with me because they had me at "dishwasher." Thanks in-laws!

or that I'm signed up to run the Great Aloha Run in a couple weeks but haven't been training at all. And I'm really really looking forward to it.

or that I haven't sewn anything on my machine in over two weeks and don't know when I will ever get to again. Such is life I guess. Betty Jeanne the Machine is a best friend of mine. I know when I get to return we'll pick up right where we left off as old friends do.

OR OR OR that our "my cup of tea sewing society" membership cards arrived weeeeeeks ago and someday we'll have fun with that

BUT

right now my life is a beautiful blur of all these things and the most important point of focus is enjoying each chubby cheek, timeout, block tower, laugh, cuddle, tantrum, treat, nursing session, story time, playdate, baby chuckle, teaching moment, whine, early morning wake up call, piece of toddler logic, and everything in between.