02 April 2010

making big choices. feeling important. sputtering.

Hi.

I only have one more week after today and then my semester is done and then I am back.

*back to regular stay-at-home mom life, which I love

*back to blogging I am sure

*back to sewing- and we'll start that sewing society oh yes we will... if you still even want it

*back to getting things ready for our new apartment

*back to getting good pictures taken of my family and sharing them of course (no offense iPhone)

*back to exercise. Of any sort....

And I'm excited because I love to prioritize and last month, interestingly enough, I was offered TWO jobs that I didn't even seek out.

1. Teaching Eng101 again- first term this time

but i said "no thank you" because I want to see a bunch of you on the mainland this summer and so that is that.

2. I am not even sure I am allowed to discuss it but it was a major job with a major paycheck

but I said "no thank you" because, well:

these two babies are tasty and this time we have together is sweet, and fleeting, and sometimes frustrating, but so so precious to me.

And truthfully, I think I fill the job best even when I am losing my patience with them because Heavenly Father loaned them to me and I've promised him I'll give it my all

each and every day.

And I am accountable for them.

So far we have grown-up a lot together.

I don't want to give up a minute of that job to anyone else, which I would have had to do if I took the job. I'm too selfish! :)

Little boys of mine, if you ever read this sometime in the future when you undoubtedly think I am out of touch or that I "just dont understand"- hear this: we started fresh each day and I chose YOU first... time and time and time again.

This is starting to get off track (what's new?) but I have a good friend and fellow English part-time teacher who once told me (after we discussed how she lucked out and got to teach the once weekly evening class) how about every six months she has to re-choose to be a stay-at-home mom. I believed her but I thought, "That's crazy. How could that possibly be true?"

And now I am beginning to get it. Offers come up and if they don't sacrifice nurturing my little ones GREAT, but even the extremely-part-time teaching job I loved was getting in the way of our days and starting to feel like a distraction from what was most important.

And that big job, well, truth be told I felt stupid turning down that paycheck and maybe even secretly (I'll admit it) the importance I would feel in the position I was offered.

But you know what?

I nervously turned it down- sputtering out all my reasons in an overly apologetic voice,

got off the phone,

went into the bedroom where Ambrose was playing,

got down on my knees to help him finish his block tower,

and he looked up at me with his twinkly eyes, big smile that hugs those little pearly teeth, and said "Oh mama, you're back to help me?!" and I just had to hug him close and cry a little.

I felt a rush of freedom and relief.

And you know what else?

I've never felt more important in my life.

19 comments:

Hema and Becky said...

So sweet! It is true that we sometimes do have to rechoose to be at home. Sometimes we choose not to work, sometimes we choose to do less projects or spend less time chatting with our friends.... so many distractions that can keep us from focusing on our ever important stewardship. Your children are blessed to have you for a mother!

Christina said...

It's so great to read about how much you live your children! You're a wonderful example.

sheila & keoni said...

steph, that's just awesome. You are a wonderful mother and I'm sure that your kids will never forget that.
You inspire me. :)

Lindsey said...

I shed a tear or two reading this because I know EXACTLY how you feel. When I even think about going back to work I get sick at the thought of not being with my baby. I don't even like coaching basketball sometimes because I am not with her. Being a mom is the most fulfilling job I have ever and will ever have and I would rather be poor and stay home than make lots of money and have someone else take care of my kids. So I totally know how you feel and I LOVE reading your thoughts on motherhood!

boo face mcjones said...

you just added to my ever-increasing anxiety over going back to work in a week and a half. ugh.

BUT -- i'm so glad to hear that you had such great opportunities that you (rightfully) passed over for your little ones. you really can do anything, which is why i think your critters will always appreciate you choosing to be with them.

loves.

echo said...

lovely lovely words

Diana said...

your boys are so, so lucky. love you.

Sofia Deyanira said...

Giving our full energy into motherhood is so important and fulfilling and exhausting, but you are right, we shouldn't trade it for the world!

You are doing so much! Such beautiful boys you are raising.

The Price Family said...

This is sweet. It is so good to hear mama's who see how important it is to be with their kids and how that is what they will remember :)

Anna K. said...

I love your thoughts! You are so important and you are an awesome mom! You motivate me to be better!

Patria said...

such a beautiful piece. i love your writing and thoughts. this post resonated with me...teaching at byuh is a dream job of mine. i recently decided to turn down an opportunity to teach a class there that i would really love to teach. however, mark is starting a new opportunity at the same time this would've started. i knew it would mean more time away from the kids and stress for mark and i trying to jam it all in. not worth it was the decision. i would rather not risk mark's opportunity right now by spreading our family too thin. we all have to make hard choices like this- it is sometimes excruciating and your reflections bring perspective. thank you!

melissa marie said...

well, isn't it interesting to hear about the wide wide range of hard situations we all have. i'm sitting here thinking, what! this girl got two (pleasant) job offers she is turning down to be a better wife/mother/woman, and THIS girl (ahem me) has been trying for years to find a job with no luck in order to be a better wife/mother/woman. (i'm guessing something awesome will come up in about six months when i am no longer interested...)

anyway, thanks for the broadening perspective. if you get any other awesome job offers, though, just send them my way please and thank you.

Melissa said...

so true, nothing is more important! good choice, and what lucky boys!

Bille said...

So true! Now I understand what you are talking about, and I don't think I could have expressed it better, we are so lucky to be mothers :)

clarke fam said...

That was beautiful!

martin said...

i feel proud of you.

Damaris said...

I can relate so well to this post. I too was offered a job that was hard to turn down but whatevers AND thank you husband to the moon and back for making enough for us to survive.

Emily said...

Love your thoughts. Thanks for sharing them ;).

Mariko said...

Wait a sec. I can't believe no one is bugging you to tell them what that job is! TELL ME! I wanna know.