26 February 2013

Let's talk about feelings.

Isn't that the name of a Lagwagon album Thomas? A really good one too.

Anyway, feelings. We all have lots of them. It seems like it's considered a weakness to have them and so I have tried to hide mine a lot in the past, but with little success. I wear my heart on my sleeve unfortunately. It's great for connecting with others and being sensitive to their needs and it's awful because feelings can get overwhelming or be hurt. Overall, I'd rather be a sensitive person because insensitive people are not that fun to be around... wait, people with too many feelings can also be no fun to be around! Well, anyway, I think you get my point. I would rather love than never know love and all that jazz.

Lately I had a feeling that I wanted to remember. So here I am. Talking about feelings.

It happened this morning.

I was taking care of Jonah in a very typical way. He had just woken up and I was feeding him and then immediately I had to deal with a major diaper of his. I only share this gruesome detail to illustrate the interesting timing of this very tender and sacred feeling that came over me as I completed the most basic tasks of motherhood.

And the feeling went something like this:

I know my children. More specifically- I know the adult version of them and love them. We are good friends and we have had good times together before and what I am doing to take care of them right now (in small, every day ways and grand, long-term ways) is completely important.

So strange to have this very warm, familiar assurance rush over me while taking care of my baby.

And by strange I mean wonderful.

These kids will be adults one day and I don't even know how to properly express in words the feeling I had, but it almost felt like Jonah was humoring me in this baby form because it's a necessary part of gaining a body and so he'll do it and I am the person who was chosen to help him get through this fleeting stage of human existence.

I know I've had little whisperings of this feeling before with my other children, but it never hurts to be reminded.

And while I have you here, reading this, thinking I am crazy anyway, I will go on.

It put everything into perspective for me. I already knew being a mom was a big, hard, important job, but it just drove home the reverence and respect I have for this whole process. This life is such a short period in our existence, and we need to take our roles seriously.

Sometimes I feel like being the best mom I can at this stage translates into me therefore being: an unreliable friend, hurried employee, unorganized counselor in Relief Society, rushed spouse, tired human being, and slightly chubby and disheveled looking version of my former self; but right now it's okay and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I was truthfully a little bummed out today because I was supposed to get my hair done and some errands run, but had to stay home because Asher threw-up before school. Suddenly, changing diapers and being patient with a sick three-year-old, and taking care of my children the best way I can seemed not just necessary, but monumental.

I want to do this right. And that's all I really came here to say. I think it's good to share these kinds of feelings. It helps to keep what matters most on my mind. Thanks for reading.


Emily said...

Stephanie, I love your writing.

Now I'm going to be bossy. Will you (when you have a moment of quiet, maybe nursing a baby and all is still for a few breaths) go and read my sister's guest blog post from a few years ago here? http://letterstoaparent.wordpress.com/2009/03/06/helping-myself/

It's the perfect companion piece to your post today, which I love. xoxo

melissa said...

that is a strange and wonderful occurrence, and one i don't think i've ever had. i basically just always feel like i have no clue what i'm doing...maybe i'll be a little more sure of myself this time around? (haha probably not!)

i love seeing your mothering example and hearing your insights. also, your kids are awesome.

.Ang. said...

Inspired! You description made me feel all warm and tingly in my heart and a voice in my head said, "It is good! it is true!"

This was just what I needed to read tonight. Thank you, Friend!

I love you... See you in a few! :)

doug and becky said...

Guess what. I love reading your blog and all your feelings. You are pretty good at small but important things spot on. Just saying.

doug and becky said...

And I meant expressing things, you do it well. Obviously I can't type. Luckily I can read :)

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