this post meanders, but i wanted to share it anyway

when i'm tired i am a little more emotional and you can ask anyone in my family: i'm the cry baby. natalie too, but mostly me. she's like endearing and i'm just... emotional. :)

we were feeling good. the house plans are so exciting and nice and modern and we get to have a lot of say and everything is shaping out exactly like all my dreams over the last six months (or more). we were basking in the good feeling and then ambrose was begging to go to the temple. he likes the visitors center.

it was too early to start dinner, it was hot and muggy, and it was just me and the kids home so we walked up the street and entering the temple grounds was like taking a cool bath, but for your spirit, your nerves, and your soul. i felt my eyes start to sting a little. i told myself i was just tired.

we went into the crisply air conditioned visitors center and were immediately greeted by a sister missionary from japan who happily opened the door for our double wide stroller and kept asher company while ambrose and i went to look at "big Jesus"

ambrose was so excited! his big blue eyes lit up as if he was truly meeting him. a senior missionary asked if we wanted to turn the audio message on which is just about three minutes of sound from things Christ has said in the scriptures, but with my two year old standing in awe at the feet of Christ and the sound filling up the whole room- it felt like he was there for a minute. i just couldnt look away from ambrose's big eyes and innocent, delighted grin. i felt as if i knew what it would be like when he comes again and that he'll know me and ambrose and asher and we will know him.

i wasnt just tired. the spirit was so strong and tears poured down my cheeks as the audio said "behold the marks in my hands and feet" and ambrose eagerly reached out to touch them. even now as i type this i can't seem to hold back my tears.

at what point do we lose this innocence and bright-eyed faith and how can i help my son hold on to his?

i just hugged him close and we kind of floated around the visitors center for about thirty more minutes, watching videos and learning about Joseph Smith and looking at this picture of Christ in the temple as a young boy. i felt like i had a lot to teach my young boys and ambrose was asking so many sweet questions.

i was amazed at how he soaked up everything i was saying to him more than he ever has before and i felt, maybe for the first time, the full weight of what it means to be someone's mother and how much i have to teach him and how much the things i do and say will shape who he is whether i am aware of it or not. i cant get carried away with what i want to do anymore or i will have failed him.

anyway, i dont mean to go on and on, but i think it's important to jot down these kinds of things or i might get complacent and forget what we felt. a two year old is an amazing gift. i dont even want to think about what i would be doing with my selfish self if i didnt have him and asher. they help me grow and make me who i am supposed to be.