i guess he had a bad dream

i finally forced myself to start correcting some errors in our psychiatry billing tonight after several nights of dragging my feet and i was working at a feverish pace to get it over with. i was, of course, listening to the archives of this american life while working when i was startled by a high pitched urgent scream coming from ambrose's room followed by a very mournful and scared sounding cry. me and thomas were both fumbling our way into ambrose's bedroom since we were surprised by this outburst. he will wake up every once in a while in the night, but not like this. not with such freight and urgency. i dashed in and frantically scooped him up, thinking that perhaps he had been bitten by a centipede or something equally alarming, but he seemed unharmed and sleepy. he did however cling to me and wrap his soft baby arm tightly around my neck with his head resting securely on my shoulder- chubby cheek pressed up against my mama cheek. i have felt a lot of things since i have experienced motherhood: exhaustion, pure joy, frustration, worry, pride, incomprehensible love, gratitude...etc. but i have never felt my heart beat so strongly or felt it swelling so much that i am sure it will burst over and over- leaving me a mess of mommy emotion and heartbreak and glee. i am sorry to be so dramatic, but this is new and wonderful and it tugs and aches and as he clung to me and slowly drifted back to sleep i found myself pausing instead of rushing to get him back into bed so i can go back to what i was doing. i lingered in the middle of his dark bedroom and listened to my heart bursting and the sound of the fan and felt the weight of his precious body getting heavier and heavier until he was snoring soundly in my ear and all traces of the little frightened tremble were gone. i swayed with the rhythm of the fan and cuddled him securely in my arms until he was deep deep asleep- at which point i hugged him tight, then gently laid his sweet little body in the crib and watched him roll over and dream. i am so grateful to be his mother. he is something phenomenal and he is mine.