06 December 2008

not depressed, just homesick

sometimes, around holidays, or times of uncertainty i ache a little for the familiar, which is funny since i felt like hawaii was home the second i moved here. i felt out of place in bakersfield and definitely out of place in rexburg, but hawaii was somewhere where i could be me and not try to be any other expectation. anyway, having said that, i guess in this time of uncertainty for our little family i am homesick for familiar faces and a little tired of my rugged neighborhood where we currently reside, but happy if i am with my thomas and my ambrose and doing what i think we are supposed to be doing.

as we trust in the lord and hold to his light we can be secure in the knowledge that all times of uncertainty and the unfamiliar is but for a short while. i am happy to be whatever or whomever i need to be, even if i need to be nothing but content for a while. we have each other, we have our health, we have our testimonies, and we will find our way no matter what.

this song by sundowner has always been a favorite of mine. it kind of explains my complex relationship with homesickness and feeling trapped in hawaii... it could be worse right? :) it's called "my self portrait," i couldnt think of a better title... they must have written it for me :)

I tie my shoes-leave the house,
board the train and keep on moving.
My thoughts are thickening.
Trees fill me like you're whispering,
"The night is fading." Hey there friend.
I think we had a lot in common.
The feeling is dead.
Maybe it's just lost and needs to be found again.
Just keep on moving.
A manic walk-It's just the panic talking.
So keep on breathing. Don't stop creating.
I stared and studied the structure of your face.
To feel connections, some form of deeper meaning.
My skin will crawl and in the morning it will fade a little.
I can't find a home. I'm a stranger in this city now.
Tonight I think she might be losing me.
Tonight I know she'll never set me free.
I feel nothing. I want nothing. I am nothing.

it's such a beautiful song, a real favorite, couldnt get it up on here so go here if you want to hear for yourself. you wont be sorry. just press play in the right hand corner of the screen and enjoy (hopefully it will let your hear more than a few seconds... if not, def. worth the iTunes download).


sheila said...

I can feel it too. I have two homes as well. But I long to be here most the time.

You need to move to Ka'a'awa area. You'd be in mine and Liko's ward. It would cheer you up- lickety spit.

sheila said...

HAAAAA, I read that comment (after I posted it) and saw I spelt lickety 'spit'. I hope you know what I meant... lickety SPLIT. That's what you get for not proofing before you click publish.

ashley said...

i think we all feel it sometimes. sorry to hear about things that are going on for you kids, you are in my thoughts and i will put a shout out in my prayers. love ya.

diana palmer said...

i remember when you put this song on a mix for me and i listened to it carefully so i could have that insight you just shared into your soul. it DID sound like you, and i loved it all the more. you are tremendous friend. not A tremendous friend, you, yourself are tremendous.

Kahilau said...

I know what you mean! What a great song! PS. Love you last post about seeing yourself naked. SO TRUE and um, you looked great your last pregnancy. I was actually there when you took that picture. We miss you guy.

Brady and Rachel said...

Hang in there, though we don't know what struggles you guys are currently facing, your still in our prayers. I understand the homesickness part, though we aren't an ocean apart from my home. Hope your days get better. I feel I've had a lot more up and down days this time around so early on in my pregnancy, don't know if it is the same for you, but hang in there. The Lord is watching out for you guys. You have reminded me that I do need to be more grateful for what I have now, my husband, healthy boys, etc, not think about all that I would really like to have (a home, to get out of this little apartment before baby 3 arrives, etc).

kimball said...

After our christmas visit you won't be homesick anymore. You will be relieved to have some space. Dad

liko said...

that will be me, come jan. 5. well, just homesick for my parents and my former home, which someone else will be inhabiting.