the truth is, sometimes life's not all it's blogged up to be

today thomas met me and ambrose in kaneohe. we both had a break in work appointments so we had lunch, let bubba play on all of the large plastic toys in the mall (he doesn't know that for a mere 75 cents they light up and move and i hope it stays that way forever), took him to the park and library (persepolis 1 and 2 are mine until aug.7th) and then went our separate ways. as we were delightfully watching ambrose scurry from place to place on the playground with this expression of imagination and glee on his face something dawned on me.

"thomas. i just realized that i can't remember the last time i was so overwhelmed with ambrose that i just counted down the minutes until bedtime."

i was stunned.

ambrose, as you may recall, was the very definition of colic as an infant. after he out grew that i went through a period of time where i felt completely trapped by circumstance. we lived in a great location, but it was a studio apartment that no longer accommodated the needs of a busy, active baby and his parents grew wary of whispering together in the dark starting at 7PM each night so as not to wake the infant sleeping two feet from us. i was also car-less until recently. i think these things, although endured by many blessed souls far more patient than me, attributed to a lot of irritation on my part. if ambrose was fussy we had no place to go but the same hot walk around the block we took several times a day.

ambrose is older. he is learning so much. he is easier to understand. he can be placed in his room if he needs a nap or we can jet off on an adventure if we just have to get out.

blah blah blah- why am i writing all of this?

well, i think that sometimes while blogging we tend to vent in good humor or pretend that everything is just great, our lives are perfect, we are never irritated with our husbands, we never do anything unreasonable, annoying, or rude, and our children never fight, poop, throw fits, or just plain make us feel trapped!

that's not real life. at least not for the robertson family. after a few months of motherhood settled in and even recently i felt like my former life was gone. i had done all of these great things in college and worked hard and now i was stuck in a hot studio with a colicky infant while everyone else was resuming a full life.

today, i realized that no matter what the magical combination of events were that led to this moment, i don't feel trapped any more. do i tease thomaas about his "time consuming hobby" or bemoan the loss of my former self from time to time? sure. it's natural.

would i trade this for one more day of sleeping in, choosing what i want to do all day, having regular breasts again (you moms know what i am talking about!), wondering when i was going to have kids/get married someday? um, well... just kidding. of course not!

me and thomas have what has almost become a nightly routine now of something like this: (1 hour, more or less after ambrose has been in bed for the night)

me: i miss bubba...
thomas: me too!
me: go get him (i tease)
thomas: oooooookkkaayyyyyy (he says in a you'll be sorry tone with a silly grin)
and then proceeds to march with exaggerated gestures to ambrose's door, i follow behind, giddy with anticipation- will he follow through this time??

we both look at our boy in his crib and make some comment about the cute position he's laying in...etc.

then ambrose stirs and we scurry out!

then, sometimes, when we are feeling extra hopeless, we look at pictures of him and tell stories of all the awesome interactions we had with our son that day.

we pull up this picture,

we trace the lines of his round chubby cheek, call him alfred hitchcock, laugh at his precious pursed bird lips and yet i am still realizing that my life will never be the carefree, firm bodied, force of uncertain freedom it once was and i am relieved to be connected to two people that have nurtured me and caused me to move forward and grow and that anchored dynamic is so liberating.

this is the truth. i have faced the facts. i am 24 and while friends of mine are all around the world living out all their wildest dreams, i just realized that despite the occurrence of a beautifully imperfect life that i don't recognize sometimes, i am living out mine.